Top Secret Memo: How To Administer CPR To The GOP

From: Reince Priebus
To: RNC Leadership Team (Not for Distribution!)
Re: Plan of Action

As you are all aware, on Monday the Committee released its long-awaited Growth and Opportunity Project, which the liberal lame-stream media chose to call an “autopsy report” on the 2012 election. The roll out did not go quite as well as we might have hoped. Instead, our report was blasted as a shallow effort to reboot the party without changing any of our fundamentally bigoted, pro-business policies.

Nonetheless, the time has come to move beyond rhetoric and begin—in the immortal words of Michael McDonald and his various “Doobie” Brothers—takin’ it to the streets. In the weeks to come, our Action Sub-Committee will be launching the following outreach initiatives.

1. Have a “rap” with an African-American

The best way to correct the perception of Republicans as the party of angry old white guys is one voter at a time. So turn off FOX News and meet an actual African-American today. Note: Herman Cain and Michael Steele don’t count! This might be as simple as visiting your local Department of Motor Vehicles, or unemployment office. Once you’ve tracked down an African-American, find subjects on which you can agree, such as your admiration for Abraham Lincoln, and the beauty of traditional spirituals. Avoid controversial topics such as voter fraud, income inequality, and Nixon’s Southern strategy.

2. Have lunch with a homeless person

How better to explode the absurd myth that Republicans don’t care about the poor than to break bread with an indigent? And what more natural constituent could there be for the GOP? After all, if there’s anyone suffering because of Obama’s failed socialist agenda, it’s the homeless. “This economy sure does suck,” you might tell your new friend. “I’ll bet if the job creators weren’t so burdened by excessive government regulation and Draconian tax rates, they’d hire you tomorrow!”

3. Get jiggy with the new social media shizzle

It’s no secret that young Americans feel the GOP is out of touch. And why shouldn’t they? We’re still using, like, early model Blackberries. If you want to engage with the next generation of voters you have to go where they live: on-line. Get yourself a Facebook account, dude! If you feel uncomfortable using your own name, launch a page for “Lady Liberty” or “Entrepreneur” or even “Up By My Bootstraps.” Prove your street cred by “posting” an icon such as a marijuana leaf or a Grateful Dead dancing bear. Then reach out to your various “bros and hos” and get them to “like” you. Pretty soon, you’ll have a “platform.” Next, get onboard with Twitter, a venue tailor-made for talking points and sound bites. Have fun experimenting with various hash tags, such as #hipsters4Reagan and #trickledownwisdom.

(Note: these efforts may require updating your modem to something called “wireless.” The phone company will be able to tell you more.)

4. Cross the border with an Hispanic

Not literally, you sillies! Just in a conversational sense. Make it a point to reach out and find an Hispanic person who does not work for you. Ask them where they’re from, and how to pronounce their name the right way, because it’s important to you. Don’t fall into the whole “illegal alien” trap. Instead, stress how much you believe in traditional family values, and how privileged you feel to live in a land of opportunity. Chances are, they’ll feel the same way! When the time feels right, hoist a cerveza and offer a toast to “all the hard-working hombres who come to this country legally.”

5. Make some time for the ladies

For too long, the GOP has been saddled with an unfair reputation as a party with a caveman approach to gender relations. It’s time to drop all the talk about trans vaginal probes and legitimate rape and reach out to our sisters. Consider joining a book group, or take a yoga class. Get up to speed on the HBO series "Girls." Most of all, do the little things: Be a good listener. Make eye contact. Confess to them that you never liked Mitt Romney either. Remember that you’re not going to get her vote if she feels pressured.

If these measures sound radical, good. They should. No one ever said the path to establishing a new electoral majority was going to be easy. If we’re serious, we have to back up our inclusive rhetoric with real and substantive changes in the way we interact with minority constituencies. Remember: politics isn’t about changing policies. It’s about changing hearts and minds.