Heavy Meddle: My Husband Badmouths His Brother In Front Of Our Kids

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Hugs,
Steve

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Dear Steve,

My husband has a brother who has suffered from severe mental illness for more than 20 years. The brother, “Dan,” has recently been going through a crisis. He hasn’t worked in a long time and has run out of money. He’s getting evicted from his apartment. Dan lives a few hundred miles away, and my husband and I agree on how much we can help financially — a little bit, to tide him over until he gets the state and federal aid he’s going to need — but we both realize we’re not in a place to support him, even if we wanted. My husband’s also been great at helping Dan with paperwork, finding a nearby friend to give Dan rides, etc.

The problem is how we talk about Dan, especially in front of our middle-school-aged children. My husband understands his brother is mentally ill, but he’s also is deeply frustrated by Dan’s irresponsibility in dealing with his finances and other life issues. (Dan, by the way, refuses mental health treatment.) My husband will say, “Dan is just so stupid,” or “What an idiot!” or worse, sometimes when our kids are around.

[E]specially if -- God forbid -- any of them ever suffer serious mental health problems, I worry they will fear that their father will react the same way he has reacted to Dan.

I completely get that is very stressful for my husband and I want to support him as much as I can. I understand that he feels sadness that he’s probably expressing as anger, and that he also absolutely has a right to be angry. This has been somewhat disruptive to our lives. Yet I worry about the message he’s sending to our kids. I'm afraid it will make it harder for them — possibly already has — to go to their father with problems, fearing they will be judged. And especially if — God forbid — any of them ever suffer serious mental health problems, I worry they will fear that their father will react the same way he has reacted to Dan.

At the same time, I also find it hard to listen to my husband’s judgments, too, even as I try to support him. I feel that it’s impossible to know where the line between mental illness and character lies — and I feel a lot of compassion for Dan, even as I recognize how deeply infuriating he can be.

Please help!

Worried Sister-in-Law

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Dear Worried,

You’re right on the money here. It’s not healthy for your husband to badmouth his brother in front of your kids. It sends any number of damaging messages. That their uncle is “dumb” rather than mentally ill. That they should deal with someone who frustrates them by calling them mean names behind their back. And, as you suggest, that your husband will react with the same contempt if they display signs of mental illness, or duress.

You clearly need to speak with your husband. But before you do so, it’s worth bearing in mind that you really can’t imagine what your husband is suffering, because Dan is his brother. That means he’s been dealing with Dan (and Dan’s “severe” mental illness) for his entire life. He feels more responsible and more guilty and more helpless and more despondent. That’s where these outbursts come from; your husband is in pain.

Compounding the problem is the fact that Dan is behaving self-destructively. He’s refusing mental health treatment. Imagine if you had a sibling who wasn’t just troubled, but severely mentally ill, and who refused treatment. You’d be incredibly frustrated, too.

[I]f he needs to call his brother an idiot, to get some of his frustration out, he should be allowed, even encouraged, to do that. Just not in front of your kids.

What’s more, it sounds like your husband has been left holding the bag here. There’s no mention of Dan’s parents, or other siblings who are helping out in this period of acute distress. Instead, the two of you, who have at least two (and maybe more) middle schoolers, and financial pressures, are left to deal with Dan. It’s a lot to handle.

So I think you need to find a calm time to talk with your husband, one where you’re both in a good place. And I would begin the discussion with an acknowledgment of how much you admire your husband for his compassion. I would be candid about your desire that he not sound off in front of your kids. But I would couch that concern within your larger concern about him, and how much he’s been forced to take on with Dan. As you note (and as you should note to your husband) he has every right to be angry. And if he needs to call his brother an idiot, to get some of his frustration out, he should be allowed, even encouraged, to do that. Just not in front of your kids.

If he hears your concerns strictly as criticisms, he’s going to react by getting defensive. But if he can hear your concerns within the context of your love and admiration for him, I suspect he’ll listen.

A couple of final notes. You describe Dan’s mental illness as “severe.” And it’s clear that he is not entirely self-sufficient. It’s probably quite frightening for your husband to face the possibility that he’ll be left caring for Dan not just during this acute episode, but forever; that things might get worse before they get better. This may be why he’s calling Dan an “idiot.” Because, in a way, it’s easier to pretend that he’s behaving foolishly than to face that he’s incapable of behaving differently.

But that is, in fact, the case. And so I counsel you to expand the scope of your discussion with your husband to include a frank discussion of the ways in which you can, and cannot, help Dan. That means coming up with a shared approach, and establishing boundaries. This is moment in your marriage when you have to be on the same team, because you’re taking on a burden that you didn’t ask for, and that you don’t deserve.

I wish you good luck,

Steve

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Author's note: What a painful situation, in particular the fact that Dan won’t seek treatment. If any readers have experience dealing with a similar dilemma, please send along your advice. And by all means send along your feedback, and/or counsel, in the comments section below. Send along a letter to Heavy Meddle, if you haven’t. Use this form, or send your questions via <email. — S.A.

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Heavy Meddle with Steve Almond is Cognoscenti's advice column. Read more here.