Who's Carl This Time?

CARL KASELL, host:

From NPR and Chicago Public Radio, this is WAIT WAITDON'T TELL ME! the NPR news quiz. Im Carl Kasell, and here is your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(Soundbite of applause)

PETER SAGAL, host:

Thank you, Carl. Thank you, everybody. Still working on St. Patty's Day. I can tell. Well that's great because Paddy Moloney, the founder the great Irish band the Chieftains, will be here to help us talk about his music and the celebration this week, and I see that in honor of Mr. Moloney, Carl has decided to wear a kilt.

KASELL: That's right, Peter, I have. Erin Go Bragh.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: That's great, Carl, but the kilt is traditionally worn by Scotsmen, not Irishmen.

KASELL: Who cares? I feel so free and happy, I'll wear this thing on Yom Kippur.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. FAITH SALIE: Finally, a use for that plaid yarmulke.

SAGAL: There you go. Well, why don't you all celebrate by giving us a call? The number: 1-888-Wait Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. Its time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, youre on WAIT WAITDON'T TELL ME!

Ms. FIONA HILL: Hi there. This is Fiona Hill.

SAGAL: Fiona, sounds like a fine name for the week of St. Patrick's Day.

Ms. HILL: Yes.

SAGAL: And where are you calling from?

Ms. HILL: I'm calling from Atlanta, Georgia.

SAGAL: Oh, Atlanta. How are things in Atlanta, then?

Ms. HILL: They're very nice and warm.

SAGAL: Very nice spring in Georgia. It's a wonderful thing.

Ms. HILL: Yes.

SAGAL: Summer's hell on earth, but spring is great.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Fiona. Let me introduce you to our panel.

First up, its a writer for the Boston Globe Magazine and author of the new book Idiot America, Mr. Charlie Pierce.

(Soundbite of applause)

Mr. CHARLIE PIERCE (Writer, Boston Globe Magazine; Author, "Idiot America"): Hi, Fiona.

Ms. HILL: Hi.

SAGAL: Next up, its a woman who will be soon appearing on Discovery's Planet Green cable network this spring, Ms. Faith Salie.

(Soundbite of applause)

Ms. SALIE: Hey, Fiona.

SAGAL: Finally, its comedian, director and co-author of the new book "Satiristas," Mr. Paul Provenza.

Mr. PAUL PROVENZA (Comedian; Co-author, "Satiristas"): Hello, Fiona.

(Soundbite of applause)

SAGAL: Welcome to the show, Fiona. Now, youre going to play Whos Carl This Time. Carl Kasell, right here, is going to read you three quotes from the weeks news. Your job: Correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize: Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine. Ready to go?

Ms. HILL: Yeah.

SAGAL: All right. For your first quote, heres the honorable Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

KASELL: I never stop whipping.

SAGAL: Ms. Pelosi was�constantly whipping people this week to drum up support for what?

Ms. HILL: The health-care bill?

SAGAL: Indeed.

(Soundbite of bell)

SAGAL: Pelosi was...

(Soundbite of applause)

SAGAL: Pelosi was whipping liberal Democrats to keep them from bailing out on a bill they dont think goes far enough. She was whipping conservative Democrats to support it despite the fact its totally communist, and she was whipping Dennis Kucinich because�it is really�fun to whip Dennis Kucinich.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: Ow, ow, stop that.

Ms. SALIE: And it worked, though. She whipped Kucinich into shape.

SAGAL: It apparently worked. Yes, she whipped him pretty well.

Pelosi announced this week that she was thinking of making health care happen via something called deem and pass, not demon pass.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: It's a technique that provides cover for taking a vote that might be unpopular. It's�one of the many little-known House rules, like the oh-Im-just-holding-it-for-a-friend process, the five-second rule or House procedure 13.44,�the�it-doesnt-count-because-it-was-during-my-sophomore-year-at-Sarah-Lawrence rule. �

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: Republicans, of course, they went ballistic. They said this maneuver was unprecedented, even though they had done it themselves many times when they were in the majority. They claimed that this was their right because�they had�called shotgun.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Mr. PIERCE: I tell you, we're all being this whole thing's being run by Robert's Rules of Kindergarten?

SAGAL: It may well be. It's been a crazy week. I don't know if you saw the interview that Barack Obama did with Fox News.

Mr. PIERCE: What? What? Huh?

SAGAL: Not only was the host kept interrupting him but also was so obsessed about this deem and pass, which he kept calling demon pass. Demon pass, do you support demon pass?

(Soundbite of evil laughter)

(Soundbite of laughter)

(Soundbite of applause)

SAGAL: I know. It was like the next thing it wasn't so much an interview as an attempt at an exorcism. It was really odd.

Mr. PIERCE: Oh, make your head do that one more time, Mr. President, please?

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: All right, let's move on. Fiona?

Ms. HILL: Yes.

SAGAL: Here is your next quote:

KASELL: His reaction when he saw me was just so cute. I mean, he looked like a little kid at Christmas. And I just uttered to him: You're so hot.

SAGAL: That was a woman named Reille Hunter. She was talking to GQ Magazine about the fateful night she met whom?

Ms. HILL: Must be Tiger.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: You know...

Mr. PIERCE: Surprisingly enough...

SAGAL: I can think of one man who's really glad you would think that.

Ms. SALIE: Wow.

SAGAL: Now, this is the other adulterer in the news.

Ms. SALIE: Another narcissist.

SAGAL: Reille Hunter was involved with a politician. Does that help? Who I guess not, is the answer.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: Oh, that narrows it down. No idea?

Ms. HILL: No, I'm blanking.

SAGAL: It's OK. I'll give it to you. It's John Edwards.

Ms. HILL: Oh.

SAGAL: John Edwards, the former presidential candidate. Doing her first-ever interview since news of her affair with Edwards became public,�Ms. Hunter�did not hold back at all. She says she likes John Edwards because hes a visionary man of principle and that he likes her...

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: That's what she said.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: And he likes her because shes the only person left in America who likes him.�But what really was amazing about the interview, which I urge you all to go read, is the photo shoot that goes with it. Ms. Hunter is posing on a bed, next to Kermit the Frog, Dora the Explorer and Barney the Dinosaur, in a men's dress shirt, pearls and�panties. We want to know how this came about. Like, Hunter says to the photographer, she says: I want these photos to show America that Im a serious woman and a good mother. Now, let's get rid of these pants.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Mr. PIERCE: Well, not only that, but she's now complaining that the photographer promised her that it would only be head shots.

SAGAL: Yes.

Mr. PIERCE: Did she not notice the photographer was 20 feet across the room?

SAGAL: Well, she called Barbara Walters, which is what you do when you're unhappy, right? You call Barbara Walters...

Mr. PIERCE: About pictures without pants.

SAGAL: ... and say oh my God, I'm so horrified. I can't believe - about the pictures. I'm mortified. And as you say, she said: I didn't know they'd end up like that.

Ms. SALIE: She was in tears.

SAGAL: It's like, how was she supposed to know this photo shoot would lead to photographs?

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: She forgot that the camera, you know, adds 10 pounds and subtracts pants.

(Soundbite of laughter)

(Soundbite of applause)

Ms. SALIE: She calls him Johnny, by the way.

SAGAL: She calls him she says that's his birth name, Johnny.

Ms. SALIE: And she also says that his not his fall from grace, it's his fall to grace because not he's living his life honestly.

Mr. PIERCE: And Grace, on the other hand, says he's great.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: Fiona, your last quote comes from�a waitress at�a Hooters restaurant in Augusta, Georgia.

(Soundbite of laughter)

KASELL: All the girls are excited for him to come to town.

Ms. HILL: OK, I know this one.

(Soundbite of laughter)

KASELL: If he happens to fall off the wagon...

SAGAL: Who is it?

Ms. HILL: Tiger.

(Soundbite of bell)

(Soundbite of applause)

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: Tiger Woods. Everybody can relax now. Tiger Woods announced he will return to professional golf at this years Masters Tournament at Augusta. PR experts think that its a good move for him. Its an event hes won four times before. He's comfortable there. Its a private club. They can really control the�media environment, and since the club doesnt admit women, there will be a limit on distracting temptations.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: Though he has been in rehab for a while, and some of those live oak trees are pretty attractive.

(Soundbite of laughter)

(Soundbite of groaning)

SAGAL: That's between him and his horticulturist, Charlie. I don't know what your problem is.

Mr. PIERCE: God, is there an antibiotic for Dutch elm disease?

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: Carl, how did Fiona do in our quiz?

KASELL: Fiona had two correct answers, Peter. So she wins our prize.

SAGAL: Well done.

(Soundbite of applause)

Ms. HILL: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thank you, Fiona, for playing. Take care.

Ms. HILL: Bye-bye.

(Soundbite of music) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright National Public Radio.