Kids First, Marriage Later -- If Ever
Nathan Garland, Brianne Zimmerman and their 6-year-old son Noah Garland. Whitney Curtis/NPR - Nathan Garland, Brianne Zimmerman and their 6-year-old son Noah. Garland and Zimmerman had Noah in 2004, but chose not to get married until 2009. (Whitney Curtis / NPR)
Federal data from 2007 says 40 percent of births in America are to unwed mothers, a trend experts say is especially common in middle-class America. In one St. Louis community, the notion of getting married and having children -- in that order -- seems quaint.
For most of their relationship, Nathan Garland and Brianne Zimmerman have marked their anniversary by New Year's Eve, 2001. They say that was the day they both knew they had found the one.
"It seemed obvious to me the first time we kissed," Garland says. "Just kind of connected, right then. It really was that obvious."
(Whitney Curtis / NPR)
They moved in together shortly afterward. They decided to have a baby a few years later, but had no interest in getting married.
"We didn't feel we were ready for it at that time," Zimmerman says. "We just thought it was a piece of paper and it wasn't that big a deal to us. We lived like we were married already. So we split bills and took care of each other."
Neither of them can exactly articulate why marriage didn't seem right at the time; they both just say emotionally, they weren't ready. Although their grandparents dropped a few hints, they didn't feel pressure to get married.
"Just because you have a child, why do you have to get married, too?" Garland says. "They're almost two different questions."
Then came Christmas 2008. Almost eight years after they got together, they say, they were finally ready to answer that second question. Garland wrapped up an engagement ring for Zimmerman and put it under the tree. Christmas morning, he had their son Noah hand her the ring. They were married last October.
Today, the newlyweds are hosting their son's birthday party at a bowling alley in St. Louis. Garland helps Noah put on his bowling shoes. More than two dozen of his 6-year-old friends and their parents have come. Among these parents, the gap between marriage and family seems normal.
An Overrated Institution?
Colleen Segbers stands with her daughter, Gwen. She confesses that she didn't mean to get pregnant six years ago.
"It was an afternoon of Budweiser beer and the hot sun," she laughs. "It happened. It was OK."
After her daughter was born, Segbers did marry Gwen's father. She loves her husband, she says, but they didn't get married because they had a baby together or even because they were in love. They did it so she could have insurance. A friend of theirs got ordained online and married them in his living room.
"We didn't have a wedding. I don't have a ring, I don't have a dress. We just signed the paper and I was like, 'OK, cool.'"
Although she and her husband and daughter live together, Segbers says she doesn't really think of herself as married. She thinks marriage as an institution is overrated. But some of these parents say they do believe in marriage.
Once Is Enough
"People who say that they don't want to get married, I think they're lying to themselves," Lexi Campburn says as she chases her son Zane around the bowling alley.
"Everyone wants to, you know, fall in love and have the fairy tale," she says. "Of course, I want to get married someday. But it has to be the right person, the right time. Everything has to be right."
Campburn says she didn't mean to get pregnant when she was 26. She considered marrying Zane's father, then decided against it. Her reason is echoed by many parents at the party:
"I don't want to get married and then divorced. I'm only going to do it once," she says.
Many of these parents are children of divorce -- born in the early '80s when divorce rates peaked. Today, these parents say they'd rather raise a child alone or with multiple partners than risk putting that child through a divorce. In general, divorce rates are at their lowest level in more than 35 years right now.
"If we're 50 and still together I told her I'd put a ring on her finger," says Rich Catlet. "But until then, probably not."
His girlfriend, Melissa Schutte, is pregnant and due in just a few weeks. They're so adamant about not getting married, they decided to register at City Hall as domestic partners instead. It's a license that gives them nearly the same legal benefits as being married. It's a slight difference but a big relief to the couple.
"Marriage is like the big commitment thing," Catlet says. "Who knows? It's good right now; it's great right now. We've got a kid we're going to love for the rest of our lives. So why mess with a good thing?"
Kids Today
Back at the birthday party, Noah tears open his presents. Becky and Brooks Garland, Noah's grandparents on his father's side, have been married for 42 years. Becky says young people are hesitant to get married because they expect too much out of marriage and their partners.
"What I see today is too much instant gratification," she says. "That is, if it doesn't work immediately then you put it down and go to something else."
The Garlands agree on another point: They say children aside, marriage is worth it.
"I can't even imagine not having Becky there," Brooks says. "I can't even imagine it."
The Garlands say they've made it through some very rough times -- so rough, in fact, that they actually split up for a few years. But Becky says getting back together and sticking it out was the right decision. She says there are tremendous benefits to being married for 42 years.
"I think the biggest thing is not being alone," she says, "in the sense of having somebody whose mind and soul, I guess, touches yours."
When the parents at this birthday party get to be Brooks' and Becky's age, it's unlikely they'll have a story like this. What's more likely is that they'll have had a number of serious partners, and possibly some children. And they may have eventually been married.
As to what kind of consequences this new concept of marriage will have for the next generation -- a group of children who may grow up with several parental figures instead of just two -- Becky says she worries about it. Experts say it's too soon to say what the effects will be. We'll have to ask these children in 20 years.
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GUY RAZ, host:
Wedding season is in full swing. This year, more than two million couples will tie the knot in the United States. Today, we begin a series called Newlywed in America. We'll meet some newlywed couples and explore the ways marriage has changed over the past 50 years.
And one of the biggest changes? Well, people are walking down the aisle much later in life than they used to. And these days, far more people never get married at all, about 20 percent of American adults, down from five percent in the 1950s.
And increasingly, people aren't even waiting for marriage to have children. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 2007, more than 40 percent of babies born were born to unwed mothers.
And that's where we start our look at marriage in America. Katia Riddle visited a St. Louis suburb where people are getting married and having kids, just not necessarily in that order.
KATIA RIDDLE: For most of their relationship, Nathan Garland and Brianne Zimmerman celebrated their anniversary on New Year's Eve. On that day, back in 2001, they both say they knew they had found the one.
Mr. NATHAN GARLAND: It seemed obvious to me when we kissed the first time, really. That's when we just kind of right then.
Ms. BRIANNE ZIMMERMAN: Yeah. I agree.
RIDDLE: They moved in together shortly afterwards. A few years later, they decided to have a baby, and yet they still had no interest in getting married.
Ms. ZIMMERMAN: We didn't feel we were ready for it at that time. We just thought it was a piece of paper, and it wasn't that big of a deal to us. And we lived like we were married already. So we split bills and took care of each other.
RIDDLE: They say other than a few hints from their grandparents, they didn't feel any pressure.
Mr. GARLAND: Just because you have a child, why do you have to get married, too? I mean, because they're almost two different questions.
RIDDLE: Then came Christmas 2007. After almost seven years together, they were finally ready to answer that second question. Nathan wrapped up an engagement ring for Brianne and put it under the tree. Christmas morning, he had their 3-year-old son Noah hand her the ring. The wedding was last October.
Ms. ZIMMERMAN: Noah, take those to Daddy, please. Noah?
Mr. NOAH GARLAND: These are dad's?
RIDDLE: Today, the newlyweds are hosting their son's birthday party at a St. Louis bowling alley called Shrewsbury Lanes. Nathan helps Noah put on his bowling shoes. More than two dozen of his 6-year-old friends and their parents have come. And for many of these parents, when it comes to raising kids, marriage is a side issue.
Colleen Segbers stands beside her daughter, Gwen. She confesses she didn't mean to get pregnant six years ago.
Ms. COLLEEN SEGBERS: No. It was an afternoon of a Budweiser beer and the hot sun.
(Soundbite of laughter)
Ms. SEGBERS: It happened. It was okay.
(Soundbite of laughter)
RIDDLE: After her daughter was born, Segbers did marry Gwen's father. She loves her husband, she says, but the reason they got married wasn't the baby. They did it so she could have insurance. A friend of theirs got ordained online and married them in his living room.
Ms. SEGBERS: We didn't have a wedding. I don't have a ring, I don't have a dress. We just signed the paper and I was like, okay, cool.
RIDDLE: But some of her friends here feel strongly about marriage.
Ms. LEXI CAMPBURN: I mean, people who say that they don't want to get married, I think they're lying to themselves.
RIDDLE: Lexi Campburn takes a break from chasing her son Zane around the bowling alley.
Ms. CAMPBURN: Everyone wants to, you know, fall in love and have the fairy tale thing. So of course, I want to get married someday. But it has to be the right person, the right time. Everything has to be right.
RIDDLE: Campburn says she didn't mean to get pregnant when she was 26. She considered marrying Zane's father but decided against it. She gives one reason for that decision that I hear over and over again.
Ms. CAMPBURN: I don't want to get married and then divorced. I'm only going to do it once.
RIDDLE: Many of the parents here are the children of divorce, born in the early '80s. That's when this country's divorce rates peaked. Today, these parents say they'd rather raise kids alone than risk putting them through a broken marriage.
Mr. RICH CATLET: If we're 50 and still together, I told her I'd put a ring on her finger, but until then, probably not.
RIDDLE: Rich Catlet stands beside his girlfriend, Melissa Schutte, who is pregnant and due in just a few weeks. These two are so adamant about not getting married, they decided to register at city hall as domestic partners instead. It's a license that gives them nearly the same legal benefits, just no ring. I asked what the difference is to them.
Mr. CATLET: I don't know. Marriage is like the big commitment thing, the one, maybe not the one. Who knows? It's good right now. It's great right now. You know, we've got a kid that we're going to love for the rest of our lives. So why mess with a good thing?
Unidentified People: (Singing) Happy birthday to you.
RIDDLE: Back at the party, birthday boy Noah Garland tears open his presents. All four of Noah's grandparents are here. The two couples have a total of 77 years of marriage under their belts. Noah's grandmother Becky Garland says she thinks young people expect too much out of marriage and their partners.
Ms. BECKY GARLAND: What I see today is too much instant gratification, and that is, if it doesn't work immediately, then you put it down and go to something else.
RIDDLE: Becky and Brooks Garland say they're happy that their son finally decided to get married. They think it's good for their grandson, Noah, as well as Nathan and Brianne.
Ms. GARLAND: I think the biggest thing is not being alone in the sense of having somebody whose mind and soul, I guess, touches yours.
Mr. BROOKS GARLAND: I can't even imagine not having Becky there. I can't even imagine it.
RIDDLE: Becky and Brooks say they've made it through some very rough times, so rough, in fact, that they actually split up for a few years. They know they're in the minority among this crowd, they say, and maybe even in their own divorce-prone generation, but they believe in sticking it out.
Katia Riddle, NPR News.
RAZ: And if you'd like to see photos from Noah's birthday party and more stories about marriage in America, check out our website, npr.org. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright National Public Radio.
