How To Fill The Other 59 Minutes And 45 Seconds Of The LeBron James Special
So LeBron James, currently a free agent, is taking to the airwaves of ESPN tonight for a live one-hour special during which he will announce where he's headed.
We figure this will take about 15 seconds. Less, if he's concise. (This, it turns out, is an observation made by Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy.)
That leaves 59 minutes and 45 seconds. Some of it, of course, will be consumed by commercials. Oh, so many commercials.
But our guess is that over at ESPN, they're brainstorming about what they're going to do for the other 99.58 percent of their designated airtime (and how, of course, to keep people tuned in for those commercials).
We have some humble suggestions.
1. LeBron James performs "Singin' In The Rain" while dancing through piles of money
2. LeBron James eats three-layer cake and twice-baked potato for rare "gustatory triple-double"
3. LeBron James reads selections from He's Just Not That Into You
4. LeBron James reads list of 500 People Shorter Than LeBron James
5. LeBron James tells very long story in which lady at grocery store cuts him off with cart in cereal aisle, later inappropriately uses express line clearly marked "15 Items Or Fewer"; story ends with tears and confusion over "loss of civility in our time"
6. LeBron James lists LeBron James' Favorite Beach Books For 2010
7. LeBron James steps aside while Ryan Seacrest announces that the show will run long and the announcement will not be made until 10:07 p.m.*
8. LeBron James explains in detail decision to turn down "very tempting offer" to join cast of Glee
9. LeBron James performs floor exercise that received a perfect score in the International Unusually Tall Gymnastics Invitational
10. LeBron James puts "You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)" on repeat; performs one-hour dance he calls "I've Got An Hour To Myself On ESPN"
11. LeBron James explains that it is possible to divide by zero; previous mathematicians simply "lacked drive"
12. LeBron James runs eight miles on in-studio treadmill while answering trivia questions about the American presidents
13. LeBron James previews new line of jewelry featuring delicate ladybug motif
14. LeBron James gets pedicure, facial, and seaweed wrap, reports that the idea of going to Miami makes him feel "exfoliated"
15. LeBron James becomes the youngest man to ever complete the popping of an entire 30-foot roll of bubble wrap on national television
16. LeBron James poses for Atlantic City boardwalk caricaturist; auctions picture of himself with fishing pole and giant head for charity
17. LeBron James completes keg stand in cap and gown to have "the college experience"
18. LeBron James sings the great Scottish ballads
19. LeBron James wrestles a Bengal tiger, lets it off with a warning
20. LeBron James recaps the first three seasons of Mad Men, showing off rumored Don Draper impression, which turns out to be tremendous
*Hat-tip: Stephen Thompson