Carl Kasell reads three quotes from the weeks news: The Royal Zygote; Countdown to the Cliff; Doomsday, Shnoomsday!
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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the Nokia Theater in downtown Los Angeles, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Carl. Thank you. Oh, if you think you are excited now, just wait until Hugh Bonneville, better known as Lord Grantham from "Downton Abbey" joins us later to play our games.
SAGAL: Man, it is good to be back in L.A. We love being here, because you guys are so cool. You're so used to celebrities walking around in your midst, so you never bother us.
SAGAL: Or even indicate that you have any idea who we are.
SAGAL: But we're eager to tell you how much we like your work. Give us a call; the number is 1-888-Wait-Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!
GABEL BREDY: Hi, my name is Gabel Bredy, and I come from Bellingham, Washington.
SAGAL: Hey, Bellingham, Washington, a great place to be from.
SAGAL: We understand that just this week recreational marijuana became legal.
BREDY: It did.
SAGAL: Oh yeah.
SAGAL: So, we assume you're stoned out of your mind.
BREDY: No, no, no. Absolutely. Absolutely not.
SAGAL: Yeah, well there you go. Can't decide, a sure sign.
SAGAL: Well, welcome to our show, Gabel, let me introduce you to our panel. First, say hello to a writer for HBO's "Real Time with Bill Maher," Mr. Adam Felber, sitting right there.
ADAM FELBER: Hey, Gabe, how are you?
SAGAL: Next, a comedian who'll be at the Fox Tucson Theater in Tucson, Arizona on New Years Eve, it's Paula Poundstone right here.
BREDY: Hello, Paula.
PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey, Gabel.
SAGAL: And if you're in Miami on New Year's Eve, go see actor and comedian Maz Jobrani at the Miami Improv. Maz is here with us, great to see you.
MAZ JOBRANI: Hey, Gabe, how are you, buddy?
SAGAL: So, Gabel, welcome to the show. You're going to start us off with Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotes from the week's news. Your job, correctly identify or explain two of them. Do that, you win our prize, Carl Kasell's voice on your voicemail. Ready to go?
BREDY: Yes, I am.
SAGAL: Here is your first quote.
KASELL: Let the Royal Baby Bump watch begin.
SAGAL: That was the gossip site TMZ, on whose pregnancy that was announced this week?
BREDY: That would be the Duchess of Cambridge.
SAGAL: Oh very good, you got her title.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
POUNDSTONE: I thought she was...
BREDY: Princess Kate.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah. I didn't know she was a duchess.
SAGAL: Yeah, didn't you know?
SAGAL: She became a duchess when she married the prince.
POUNDSTONE: I thought she was a princess when she married the prince.
POUNDSTONE: Have you not seen any Disney movies?
SAGAL: Last year's royal wedding, of course, between Kate and Williams was a fairytale, and we now know living happily ever after includes at least one session of unprotected sex.
POUNDSTONE: Now, wait a minute.
POUNDSTONE: Didn't she have to go into the hospital for her morning sickness?
SAGAL: She did. Well, it wasn't her morning sickness; she had a condition that sometimes happens in certain pregnancies. But she's fine now. You'll be happy to know that she's quite healthy. She's gotten her latest edition of "What to expect when you're expecting the next ruler of England."
SAGAL: The first chapter, in its entirety, is "not much, really."
SAGAL: There is some health issues involved because - this is true - there's a long history of birth by Caesarean section in the royal family. Queen Elizabeth herself was born that way. But doctors say that because Kate is herself not of royal blood, thereby ending generations of inbreeding, that her baby will be the first in decades to be smart enough to find its own way out.
FELBER: Now, do they videotape or does the paparazzi videotape for them when the baby's coming out? Do they show up?
SAGAL: I guess that you can have your choice, really.
POUNDSTONE: They're going to have a little red carpet down the canal.
JOBRANI: Those are hard to install.
SAGAL: That's true.
POUNDSTONE: They're having professional installers and a deal.
FELBER: Does she come out with a crown, like a tiara, if it's a crown...
SAGAL: Well, they do call it crowning.
JOBRANI: It's amazing how quick we've made everybody uncomfortable here.
SAGAL: It really is true.
POUNDSTONE: No shame in that.
SAGAL: OK, your next quote is from Mr. Burns on "The Simpsons."
KASELL: "Think of the economy as a car, and the rich man is the driver. If you don't give the driver all the money, he'll drive you over a cliff. It's just common sense."
SAGAL: Mr. Burns was explaining what?
BREDY: The fiscal cliff.
SAGAL: The fiscal cliff, yes, of course.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Here we are again, talking about the fiscal cliff. Another week, another seven days rushing over the cliff. Everybody seems to be scared of it, but apparently, we're all willing to go over it, so each side can prove how confident they are in their positions. It's not a fiscal cliff; it's a fiscal trust fall.
SAGAL: But this week, the crisis started to seem different. It seems different from all the other crises we've had for the last few years. It's a brand new Obama. He's actually standing his ground. The Republicans aren't used to it. Every time the GOP makes a demand, Obama says no. And they're like, excuse me, we didn't understand, "No, is that like some sort of Kenyan word?" What does that mean?
JOBRANI: Why are we always coming up with stuff to get scared of? Is there, like, nothing better to do? It was like, you know, Y2K, then this....
JOBRANI: I'm always fearing something big is going to happen.
SAGAL: There's a huge industrial media complex that needs something to be upset about.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, absolutely.
SAGAL: I mean, can you imagine, like, say, Chris Matthews going "Everything's fine. Everything's terrific."
JOBRANI: We're going to talk about how terrific it is right after this.
SAGAL: Yes, exactly. We've got some puppies to look at.
SAGAL: And some people who are satisfied with their lives.
SAGAL: Stay tuned. I mean it's not going to work, right?
JOBRANI: I would love that, because it would take away from my other anxieties that I have. Then I can be like, oh, great, then the world is OK. Now I can worry about my 22-month old peeing on the rug.
JOBRANI: Because that's what she does, and that makes me nervous.
POUNDSTONE: You know, you can diaper them.
POUNDSTONE: You know, I watch MSNBC. I think that they have never left that studio. That's what I think.
FELBER: Yeah, they all live there.
POUNDSTONE: I saw, I swear to you, the other day I saw Andrea Mitchell - I didn't even know she had a show, but she did. She had the "Andrea Mitchell Show" or something. She said, it's me, Andrea Mitchell.
They keep interviewing each other. She goes, it's me, Andrea Mitchell at the "Andrea Mitchell Show" and thank you for joining me, Andrea Mitchell. And the she says, you know, I got - you know, I don't know - Tracy Jackson is going to be here in a minute.
They split screen and there's Tracy Jackson. You know, you're going to enjoy the "Tracy Jackson Show." Tracy Jackson, I'm gong to turn it over to you any second now. Then it's Tracy Jackson. And Tracy Jackson goes "thank you for joining me on the 'Tracy Jackson Show. It's going to be fantastic."
POUNDSTONE: My first guest today is Andrea Mitchell.
SAGAL: I love the idea that they all do their shows and they, like, they'd go to sleep. They get into their jammies and it's like "goodnight, Chris." "Goodnight, Rachel." I mean...
JOBRANI: Are we going to wake up? We'll find out after this.
SAGAL: All right, Gabel, here is your last quote.
KASELL: Scary rumors are just rumors.
SAGAL: That was the U.S. government that this week officially denied that what will happen on December 21?
BREDY: Could it be that the world will end?
SAGAL: Indeed, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
JOBRANI: One more thing to worry about.
SAGAL: Apparently, enough people are worried about this that they U.S. government had to make an official statement on the USA.gov website, and I quote it, "Many of these rumors involve the Mayan calendar ending in 2012. It won't. A comet causing catastrophic effects. Definitely not. A hidden planet sneaking up and colliding with us. No and no," unquote.
POUNDSTONE: It says no and no?
SAGAL: No and no.
POUNDSTONE: Weren't we already supposed to end?
SAGAL: Oh, we've been supposed to end a number of times, but as you know, a number of people are worried about 2012, December 21st.
POUNDSTONE: What do you mean, as you know? I didn't know, which is why I was asking.
POUNDSTONE: I don't even - honestly, I don't even know what the Mayan calendar is. I use a cat calendar.
POUNDSTONE: It goes on forever.
SAGAL: What is amazing is that the government had to make a statement to convince these people the world isn't going to end. This isn't going to work, because, you know, the people who most believe that the world is going to end on December 21st are the people least likely to believe the government when they say that it won't.
JOBRANI: You know who the world is going to end for though?
JOBRANI: People who sell Mayan calendars.
SAGAL: Oh, it's going to be...
FELBER: Terrible business.
SAGAL: Carl, how did Gabel do on our quiz?
KASELL: Gabel, congratulations, you had three correct answers. You win our prize.
SAGAL: Well done, Gabel.
BREDY: All right.
SAGAL: Congratulations. Thanks for playing.
BREDY: Thank you.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.