NPR

Panel Round Two

More questions for the panel: When You Care Enough to Change the Very Best, The Holy Stein, Mouse Trap.

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Transcript

CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT, WAIT...DON'T TELL ME! the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. We're playing this week with P.J. O'Rourke, Kyrie O'Connor, and Bobcat Goldthwait. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl. Thanks so much. In just a minute, Carl gets kicked out at Closing Rhyme in our listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Kyrie, Hallmark has released its Christmas ornaments for this year. They look great . There's even a cute, tiny little sweater ornament with some of the lyrics to the Christmas Carol Deck the Halls on it. But they changed the lyrics of the carol to avoid what word?

KYRIE O'CONNOR: Gay.

SAGAL: Yes, exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The Hallmark version of Deck the Halls as printed on the little pictured sweater goes, "Don we now our fun apparel."

(SOUNDBITE OF DISAPPOINTMENT)

SAGAL: Hallmark says they worried the G-word might cause quote "misinterpretation."

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: I remember the day I told my dad I was fun.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: How did he take it, Bobcat?

GOLDTHWAIT: He said he loved me anyway.

SAGAL: That's very open minded of him.

GOLDTHWAIT: He's a progressive man, my father.

SAGAL: Yeah, I appreciate that. You're a lucky man.

P.J. O'ROURKE: My folks are still in denial about that.

SAGAL: Yeah.

O'ROURKE: I'd say, I'm fun, they go, no.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Also Hallmark wasn't sure about fa la la la la, sounded a little iffy, so they changed it to grunt sports sports sports sports sports.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: A few states took advantage of this and tried to pass Fun Marriage.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: That's never going to work.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: P.J., churches across the country are facing declines of membership so now some of them are luring in new worshippers with what?

O'ROURKE: Golly, it can't be God.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They tried that, not working.

O'ROURKE: They've tried that, yes exactly.

SAGAL: Not working.

O'ROURKE: No, it wasn't working so it must be like - well, they're passing the collection plate backwards?

SAGAL: No.

O'ROURKE: So you get to take something out as...

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Nacho communion wafers.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: Oh, OK.

SAGAL: There is a need to be cool there.

O'ROURKE: And unlimited communion wine.

SAGAL: OK. Actually, you're almost there.

O'ROURKE: Beer.

SAGAL: Beer. They're offering beer.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(APPLAUSE)

O'ROURKE: Look, I mean, you know, I'm a 66-year-old guy. It's all I can do to sit through mass as it is, you know. I have a couple beers first, forget about it, you know, I'm out of there.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: And they pull you over. Where you coming from? Church.

O'ROURKE: Church.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: But I can't remember much about the service, officer, 'cause I was smoking crack.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So it turns out that churches across the country are holding these introductory meetings in bars, which is convenient because look, a priest, a minister and a rabbi just walked in.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: You know, often that joke doesn't need a punch line to me.

SAGAL: Really? The priest, rabbi and minister...

GOLDTHWAIT: Priest, rabbi, minister walk into a bar and then someone goes, and then they say. I go, I don't care what they say. If I saw that I'd be laughing my head off. I wouldn't need a topper.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: You know, it occurs to me - and you guys can comment on this, P.J. - if this catches on in Catholic churches, it's going to make confession really hard on the priests.

O'ROURKE: Yeah, it's going to go on and on, you know, especially if you'd got an Irish Parish.

SAGAL: Yeah.

O'ROURKE: And then Father, the shame of it all.

GOLDTHWAIT: The priest leads out, could you freshen these up?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: P.J., Facebook already knows who your friends are, what you like, and what you link to. But soon it will also know what?

O'ROURKE: Golly, I mean, something they might know about me. What I'm thinking.

SAGAL: Yes. Basically everything.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: They're going to find out everything about you because what they're going to do is they're going to add hover-intent tracking. OK. What this means is, like you're sitting at a computer screen, maybe Facebook, and you're looking around in the way that you do with the little cursor. And you see something that's a little tempting. Wow, I would really like to know the top tip for losing belly fat in ten days.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But then you think, I'm never gonna click that, people might know. They already know.

GOLDTHWAIT: I was writing a script that had a lot of guns in it and I spent a lot of time looking at guns online. And eventually, I'm not kidding, ads for Arkansas came up.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I'm not kidding.

SAGAL: Just Arkansas. Come down to Arkansas.

GOLDTHWAIT: Come visit Arkansas.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

O'ROURKE: You know what I get all the time is the we will publish your book.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I get ads for depressants...

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: ...and cheap Viagra.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: So how sad can I be?

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: I'm depressed, I'm horny and I'm going to Arkansas.

(LAUGHTER)

O'CONNOR: I'm so glad I only get Nordstrom.

(LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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