As pretty much none of you will remember, last year I made a bunch of absurdly biased predictions for 2013. As it turns out, I did not do so well. The Koch Brothers, alas, did not go vegan. Kim Kardasian did not lose her tush in a botched plastic surgery. And a small infant was not found inside one of Mitch McConnell’s cheek pouches. At least not yet.
Given this track record, a less intrepid soul would have the good sense to avoid predictions for 2014. Fortunately, I lost my good sense in a botched plastic surgery back in April. So let’s crank up the indignation and the ESP and get a glimpse of what’s coming in 2014…
1. Miley Cyrus Will Injure Her Tongue
After a year spent writhing naked on a wrecking ball and dry humping large stuffed animals while dressed in her underwear, America’s sweetheart will finally meet her match: a severe case of Glossitis, or soreness of the tongue, brought on by a hyper-extension of the lingual muscles. While Cyrus’s fans will lament this setback, the nation at large will rejoice at not having to see the songstress jam her strange little tongue out at the first sign of a camera.
2. Pope Francis Will Join the Unitarian Universalist Church
The recently anointed Pope, who took his name in tribute to Saint Francis of Assisi, had already shocked Vatican officials by urging Catholics to stop focusing on the sins of homosexuality and contraception, and instead to take up issues of social justice, in particular helping the poor. He had issued direct criticisms of capitalism (“worship of the golden calf”) and urged greater tolerance, based on the doctrine of mercy preached by Jesus. Explaining his decision to join the Unitarian Universalists, Francis will note, “I just never felt at home in such a rigid, dogmatic system. The folks in the UU community are much more in line with my ethical vision. And they do a really super coffee hour.”
3. Bill Belichick Will Launch the Worst Reality TV Series Ever
The series, titled simply "Belichick!," will air on Spike TV and feature the irrepressible Patriots’ coach as he watches game film for hours on end, issues mono-syllabic responses during mandatory press conferences, and offers his players and relatives inspirational life lessons such as, “You need to play better.”
4. Kate Middleton Will Get Really Fat
The stunning, catalogue-ready queen-to-be, who appeared to weigh about the same at the end of her pregnancy as she did at the beginning, will finally wilt under the intense media pressure and turn to sweets as her secret refuge. By the end of the year, Middleton will tip the scales at just over 300 pounds. A poised Prince William will tell insiders, “It’s fine by me. I like a bird with a little extra stuffing.”
5. Fox News Will Fire Megyn Kelly
The blond anchor, initially thought to be a rising star on the network, will compound her infamous “Santa and Jesus is white” rant by claiming, in a privately recorded conversation, that the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, and God Almighty are also white. “God’s the total no-brainer. If He’s not white, how come we’re the number one rated cable news program in America?"
6. John Boehner Will Leave Congress to Became a Lounge Singer
The smoky-throated Ohioan who views Dean Martin as his spiritual leader will finally fulfill his destiny, playing weekend nights from 9 p.m. till close at Smiles: A Lounge, off I-71 south of Cincinnati.
This program aired on December 27, 2013. The audio for this program is not available.