Let us now praise famous men
Before they praise themselves again:
The pitchers making millions, who,
Could not retire me or you;
The goalie, nimble as a brick,
Who's slow and thoughtful – never quick;
The golfer who, inclined to flub
A shot then tosses his golf club
Into the air, through which it sails…
With luck there's no one it impales.
Oh, sing a song of those who ride
Their cycles uphill, side by side,
And hope that when the day is done
And they have had their riding fun
They won't be found the next day moping,
Since they have been pinched for doping.
Oh, hip hooray for college stars
Who wile away their time in bars
Until the ending of the night
When it is time to start a fight,
And since a fight is not much fun
Unless somebody has a gun,
Pull out the heat and let 'er rip
And kiss goodbye that scholarship.
We can't forget the coaches who,
To win will do what they must do…
If that includes a transcript change
It's no big deal to rearrange
An "F" until, just like a tree,
It grows, and turns into a "B."
And let us not leave out the owners:
Greedy sots, eternal moaners,
Claiming they are losing money –
T'weren't so sad, it would be funny…
Give them buildings new and pretty,
Or they'll find another city
Where they will set up their teams
As someone else's nightly dreams.
My, our games must be fantastic,
Or our standards quite elastic
To endure the stupid stuff,
Some disgusting, some just fluff
That's built around the brief, bright time
When what we're given is sublime.
This segment aired on August 25, 2012.