A Democratic Guide To The Republican Convention

Twenty-five things to look for during prime-time, when the GOP stages its convention, beginning Monday: (Over/Under is a betting term where you guess whether the result will be higher or lower than the predicted number.)

1. Will Hurricane Isaac affect the Republicans? Political satirist Andy Borowitz said GOP convention organizers could move it to the 17th century without having to change a thing.

2. How many times will you hear the word “Massachusetts” used to describe Romney? Over/Under – 1

3. How many analysts in total will CNN pack into its studio? O/U – 80

4. Will Sarah Palin visit Fox News, just to scare us into recalling how close we came to having a complete nitwit as VP?

5. How many times, in prime-time, will someone — other than Sen. Marco Rubio — lamely try to speak Spanish? O/U – 6

6. Where will the four black delegates sit so it appears there are many more? How often will they change their clothes and seats to look different? O/U – 4

7. How many times will Romney say “my faith” rather than “Mormonism?” O/U – 8

8. How many times will VP pick Paul Ryan say “Catholic”? O/U – 10

9. How many times will Sen. Scott Brown be spotted at the convention? O/U – 3

10. Who will be the first to call Ann Romney her husband’s “secret weapon?” When was the last time that was not said of a presidential candidate’s wife?

11. How many Democratic candidates and ideas will Chris Christie recklessly insult in a coarse keynote speech? What percentage of Republicans will wish he were the nominee? O/U – 93 percent

12. How many seconds of a lavishly produced Romney bio video will be carried live on national TV? O/U – 20 seconds

13. How many Romney grandchildren will be on the stage at one time? O/U – 33 How many will be rented? O/U – 5

14. Will the secretive mega donors the Koch brothers be hiding in a private box?

15. When we will first hear “drill, baby, drill” chant – before or after opening prayer?

16. Where will they hide Herman Cain? And when’s he going to take that lie detector test he promised to prove those sexual harassment charges were false?

17. What will be the closest the GOP will come to using the word “abortion?”

18. Which musicians you’ve never heard of will perform? (Kid Rock doesn’t count) Lynyrd Skynyrd? I thought they were all dead or in jail.

19. How often will “Obamacare” be mocked with ever growing predictions of its cost and snide comparisons to “European socialism?” O/U – 57

20. How much money will male delegates at Tampa’s notorious strip clubs spend on tips? O/U – $350,000

21. How many times will God be mentioned in prime-time? O/U 18

22. What loaded phrase will be used to describe Barack Obama that makes it seem like he wants to give away the store to people of his race? Last time it was “community organizer.” Perhaps, “Welfare King?” “Food Stamps President?”

23. How many hookers will Secret Service round up for questioning? O/U – 381

24. Whose party will be the toughest ticket? Halliburton? Las Vegas Sands (Sheldon Adelson’s casino/resort)? Church of Latter Day Saints?

25. Will Bain be in the house?