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My friends were set to get married this fall. Yesterday, my spouse received an email from the couple saying they had decided to postpone the wedding. They apologized for any inconvenience and offered assurances that everything is “fine” — but beyond that — there were few details.
I’m not sure what to do. For one, since the email wasn’t addressed to me, I feel funny reaching out. What would I say anyway? I don’t want to intrude — but I do want to let them know, at the very least, that I am thinking of them. And the other thing is that, aside from my concern, I am very curious. I don’t want to be a busybody, but I am really tempted to call our mutual friends to see if they know what’s up. Should I resist the temptation and mind my own beeswax? Or, is it okay to try to get some more information.
Dear Cold Feet,
Do you want the truth, or the answer you’re fishing for?
Let’s start with the answer you’re fishing for:
Of course it’s okay to call your mutual friends and get the scoop! Duh! There’s obviously some sort of totally delicious drama going on and you, as a friend, have a duty to snoop around and figure out what it is and then to discuss it at length with your other friends. Don’t worry about the fact that your friends didn’t see fit to send you an email about their postponed wedding. It’s still totally your business. And your interest is completely noble and well-intentioned. It’s not like you’re hoping for a piece of juicy gossip about somebody else’s unhappiness, right? You just want to know so that, like, you know, you can, like, light a candle for them.
If your friends delayed the wedding due to issues in their relationship, they are no doubt suffering a great deal of embarrassment. They don’t need their pals cranking up the rumor mill behind their back.
As for the truth: If you really just want to offer support, you can have your spouse write a brief email response that says, “Me and Cold Feet are both thinking of you guys!” Done.
No, what you’re proposing above is basically trolling for trauma.
It’s kind of icky.
I’m not suggesting that I wouldn’t feel the same impulse. I would. And have. And no doubt will. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned as I lurch into middle age, it’s that other people’s problems shouldn’t be your central form of entertainment. If, in fact, your friends delayed the wedding due to issues in their relationship, they are no doubt suffering a great deal of embarrassment. They don’t need their pals cranking up the rumor mill behind their back. Especially because you have no idea why they’ve postponed the date. It could an illness in the family, or a work related issue, or some other issue they didn’t feel comfortable disclosing to the world.
Whatever the reason, try to think about how they must be feeling. You’re married yourself, so you know how stressful the whole experience is. Treat them precisely as you would wish to have been treated if you had needed to send out such a note.
Editor's Note: Need advice? Steve "Heavy Meddle" Almond can help. Email us.
This program aired on July 22, 2013. The audio for this program is not available.
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