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The New Hampshire Primaries

The folks in charge of the minor league baseball team set to begin playing next spring in New Hampshire had a great idea for the new team's name. They wanted to call it the Primaries. Get it? The New Hampshire Primaries? They'd even designed a logo. It included both a donkey and an elephant.

But the populace objected. Some among the disgruntled thought a logo with only two parties represented would be exclusionary. Others thought the fans should have something to say about choosing the team's name. Some number worried that "Primaries" would be a difficult name to chant.

To make a long story short, the team's owners caved. Now there is to be a name-choosing contest.

Which is a shame, because the possibilities for a team named the Primaries are myriad and fine. First, the name itself serves to deflate the fatuous clowns in New Hampshire who are so proud of getting to vote before everybody else, a distinction that could only have meaning for people desperate for distinctions.

As for "Primaries" being a difficult name for fans to chant, how much imagination would it take to shorten the name to "Primes!" When chanting was called for? They could even shout "Primes time! Primes time!" When they wanted a rally. The resultant homerun swing would be a prime cut.

But, no. Instead there will be a contest, and the team will probably end up being called the New Hampshire bears, because the bear is a noble animal, representative of the strength, dignity, and independence of the great state of New Hampshire and blah, blah, blah.

My own suggestion, which will come to nothing, was Hamsters. New Hampshire Hamsters. The logo could be a furry little guy looking quizically at a baseball with his big, brown eyes. Or maybe a seriously pumped hamster running on a wheel made of little baseball bats. Cute, huh? Probably sell a lotta t-shirts. One more million dollar idea I've stupidly given away.

In fact, I can't come up with a better name for the team than New Hampshire Primaries. I don't think anybody can if for no other reason than if folks in New Hampshire had accepted "Primaries," next spring they'd be the only baseball fans in the country who could stand around after their ballclub lost and shout "we demand a recount!"

This program aired on November 19, 2003. The audio for this program is not available.

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