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Yo, Canada: Take Off, Eh? Defending America Against The Red Maple Menace

Bill Curry: "As America leads the world into a golden age of globalization, jobs and capital cross borders in nanoseconds. Enter the Canadians, with their crippling, last century ideas of 'universal' health care and 'secure' retirements." (Ian Muttoo/flickr)
Bill Curry: "As America leads the world into a golden age of globalization, jobs and capital cross borders in nanoseconds. Enter the Canadians, with their crippling, last century ideas of 'universal' health care and 'secure' retirements." (Ian Muttoo/flickr)
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“The Obama-Shaheen agenda of amnesty and no border enforcement is only inviting more chaos and danger. Illegal immigration is above all a national-security challenge.”New Hampshire GOP Senate hopeful Scott Brown.

Finally, a man who, though from out of state himself, understands New Hampshire’s need to defend all its borders, not just the one with Vermont; who’ll say out loud what must be said:

It’s time to crack down on illegal Canadian immigrants.

Liberals downplay the crisis. Some even depict the 'red maple tide' as a net benefit. Canadians, they say, do jobs Americans won’t do: park ranger, goalie, microbrewer.

Liberals downplay the crisis. Some even depict the “red maple tide” as a net benefit. Canadians, they say, do jobs Americans won’t do: park ranger, goalie, microbrewer. But closer study led responsible social scientists to a far different finding: Most of our problems are caused by Canadians.

It took time to see it, due partly to the speed with which Canadians assimilate. An hour in country and your average Canadian passes easily for Minnesotan. Slow in so many other ways, Canadians' talent for "passing," both on and off the ice, made them virtually invisible to feckless INS agents.

The story of their detection is a public policy legend. When city officials first noticed a rising number of Canadian quarters in Buffalo parking meters, they thought little of it.

Soon, however, parking meters across the Northeast and Midwest were disgorging the near-worthless coins like slot machines in a poorly run casino, thus lowering the take for municipalities already hard pressed to repay suspicious Chinese bankers threatening to “come over there personally and empty the meters ourselves.”

The media were still calling the crisis “overblown” when a gaggle of scholars from the Heritage Foundation, flying over Canada en route to Bali for a 10-day conference on the benefits of global warming, improvised the ingenious study that settled the debate:

“We looked out the window,” said senior fellow Heinrich Paisley, “and saw nothing but trees. It was as if they’d emptied out the whole country.” Paisley theorized that crowds seen in surveillance photos of Montreal and Calgary were actors hired to conceal the massive out-flux and satisfy employment quotas for American films being shot in Canada.

As America leads the world into a golden age of globalization, jobs and capital cross borders in nanoseconds. Enter the Canadians, with their crippling, last century ideas of "universal" health care and "secure" retirements.

Most illegals are English speaking, or “American,” Canadians. But this crisis disclosed a dark secret: Some Canadians — there’s no delicate way to put this — are French. Their north of the border, demain attitude and contempt for our customs and language already infect many a workplace. I had a recent, frustrating exchange with a Canadian-born physician. “Hey, Boom Boom!” I finally exclaimed. “Learn the language! The word is ‘co-pay’!”

Some ask if Canadians are suited to democracy. A consultant put it this way: 'They’re so hard to rile up. Are they even capable of the anger that drives modern politics? We just don’t know.'

The crisis transcends mere health to include a spike in crime not seen since the first waves of Irish and Italians washed up on our shores. Most is drug-related. From forest hideouts, the Canadian Cartel runs “Internet pharmacies.” It recruits couriers, called “moose,” to slip past customs or trod the perilous southern trail to senior centers just over the border. Profits are said to rival those of major pharmaceutical companies.

Our democracy itself is in jeopardy. Pollsters were the first to see the threat. Democracy feeds on information. Canadians are by nature notoriously close mouthed, reluctant to participate in focus groups or even answer short tracking polls. Pressed, they offer cryptic replies like, “He seems nice,” or, “I haven’t had a chance to read up on that.”

Some ask if Canadians are suited to democracy. A consultant put it this way: “They’re so hard to rile up. Are they even capable of the anger that drives modern politics? We just don’t know.” It may be why our Founding Fathers gave up on the idea of acquiring Canada — they saw what Scott Brown sees: Our problems come from abroad. We don’t have to solve them. We just have to keep them out.


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Bill Curry Twitter Cognoscenti contributor

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