Snacktime: Into The Woods

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"A Walk In The Woods" by u/MattGDrawsThings
"A Walk In The Woods" by u/MattGDrawsThings

TL;DL (Too Long; Didn’t Listen):

This Snacktime episode takes us…to the woods! As Amory brainstorms what to do about teenagers littering in the woods near her house, she takes inspiration from 3 different posts in r/confession that have to do with some form of vigilante justice. Ben shares a story from r/RBI about a mysterious sound heard near a campsite in New Hampshire.

Thanks to Redditor u/MattGDrawsThings for this week's episode art, "A Walk In the Woods." You can find more of his work on instagram @mattgdrawsthings.

Reddit Links: 

Amory's story:

-The Decaffeinator

-Anti littering vigilante 

-Parking ticket batman

Ben's story:

-Mysterious sound in NH

Full Transcript:

This content was originally created for audio. The transcript has been edited from our original script for clarity. Heads up that some elements (i.e. music, sound effects, tone) are harder to translate to text. 
Amory Sivertson: Uh oh.

Ben Brock Johnson: Amory, I went to Montreal recently.

Amory: Oh yeah.

Ben: And I brought something back with me that I just discovered. This is technically a snack time episode, where we discuss reddit posts, but don't make a full throttle, beautiful, wonderful, crazy, amazing episode but just kind of talk about some Reddit stories

Amory: And we divide all of our listeners between the people who don't really mind us eating snacks into the microphone and…

Ben: And the people who are like no! So if you hate those sounds please cover your earmuffs as they say. I brought you mi lodge bbq epice, a.k.a. spicy barbecue mix.

Amory: That's, I understand that. I'm seeing corn nuts.

Ben: Yeah. Corn Nuts my one of my all time favorite snacks.

Amory: Me too.

Ben: It's a good reminder that even up in Canada, they love the same things we love.

Amory: Thanks for bringing this back.

Ben: Yeah I figured I'd bring back a snack for you.

Amory: Appreciate it. Should we tell some stories?

Ben: Yeah let's do it.

Amory: So Ben, I think I told you that I have this kind of wooded area at the end of my street.

Ben: Yeah. The place where you smoke weed when you're 17.

Amory: When you're 17, right and have tons of protected sex and all the other rebellious things that you do in the woods as a teenager. But I am not a teenager. I am a grown ass woman.

Ben: Yeah, you have a house.

Amory: And I have found myself feeling quite annoyed at a group of youths who party in the woods, not because they party in the woods. I support that. I think it's great to have this kind of safe haven where you can be a stupid teenager and be rebellious. My problem is that they litter. Not only do they leave a ton of cans, but just broken beer bottles, they smash beer bottles against trees.

Ben: Not cool

Amory: The forest floor is is just a layer of broken glass. I have been brainstorming for the past three months, ever since I discovered that they do this, how to get back at them.

Ben: Can I tell you how I picture this going?

Amory: Please.

Ben: Over the last several months you've just been brainstorming, but the whole time you've been you've been singing, “walking on walking on broken glass. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.” And then eventually what happens is you put on your best to Bart Simpson T-shirt.

Amory: Okay.

Ben: You put on your hat backwards and you throw a skateboard over your shoulder and you go and try to talk to the fellow kids.

Amory: So that's what I would do if I were very brave. I am not very brave. So what I did was I recruited a couple friends and we had a clean up day and I bought a recycle bin and I wheeled it out into the woods and I put up signs that said “please recycle" or whatever they said. It did not work, but all of this is to say…

Ben: It didn’t work?

Amory: No! They just, okay, they did put stuff in the bin for like a couple weeks, but then I went to the woods to pick up the bin, to wheel it out on trash day, and all that was left of the bin was a lid, was the lid to the bin. The bin was gone. They probably lit it on fire because they light everything else on fire there.

Ben: That's just mean. That's just mean, that's just degrading. They leave the top.

Amory: I know. So all of this is to say that I have a need for like, some vigilante justice.

Ben: Yeah.

Amory: And so I've been finding some posts on Reddit lately that have really, I'm living vicariously through the people who are brave enough to take action, to take matters into their own hands.

Ben: Yeah

Amory: All three of these actually I found in the confession Sub reddit, which is a favorite of mine because you get everything from really deep dark stuff to just like funny things that people want to share with others. So here's one: this person works in a coffee shop, and they said, “Whenever a super rude customer orders a strong coffee, I give them decaf.”

Ben: That also belongs on, not malicious compliance, but what's the other one?

Amory: Like petty revenge.

Ben: Yeah. Petty revenge. Yeah, that's good!

Amory: Yeah. So I'm trying. This is why, I'm like trying to figure out what my line is, like what would be petty revenge and what would just be what would send a super strong, effective message?

Ben: Or a super decaffeinated, weak message.

Amory: Right. So here's another one, “I threw a bunch of trash from my car into another guy's car because he littered.”

Ben: Also beautiful.

Amory: Right? And this one really resonated with me because one of my ideas was if I could just figure out who these kids are. Next time I do a pickup, instead of leaving the trash out for the recycle people, what if I just put it on their lawn?

Ben: See…

Amory: I would never do that, but part of me wants to be that person.

Ben: I completely understand that instinct, but that is not, that's like a recipe for escalation that nobody wants. And also their parents are just going to have to clean that up, those asshole kids are not…

Amory: Go there Ben, go there!

Ben: Those asshole kids are not going to clean that mess up. The best thing you could do, I feel like, would be to learn where they live and then to tell their parents.

Amory: Why don't they have any decency in their souls already?

Ben: They will.

Amory: For just one of them to go, "hey guys this isn't cool man."

Ben: I know.

Amory: "Recycle your bottle man."

Ben: Someday they will.

Amory: Here's the actual post that made me look for other posts like this.

Ben: Okay.

Amory: “I leave fake parking tickets on cars that deserve real ones.”

Amory: Now, as someone who used to ride their bike all around town, I recently moved to the area that is not so cycling friendly. I used to want to do this all the time. I was like, I wish, I wish that I had the time to like write all these people fake parking tickets, all these people who like cut me off, almost ran me over. I would just like send them a little curse, like just a little one in my mind.

Ben: Amory has a bunch of little teenager dolls that she's like cutting their legs off.

Amory: Nope nope, I would just say, like, I hope you spilled coffee all over yourself today. Or something like that.

Ben: Wholesome Amory sending a little curse. "I hope you stub your toe."

Amory: I just want something like, pretty inconvenient to happen to these people. Is that so wrong?

Ben: No I think that's right.

Amory: All right so I'm not going to throw trash on people's yards and I'm not going to give them fake parking tickets and I'm not going to give them decaf. I probably would give them decaf. That's really good.

Ben: That’s so good.

Amory: Just little curses flying in all directions.

Ben: Okay, I have one for you.

Amory: Okay .

Ben: It's an RBI, do you know that community?

Amory: Runs batted in? No I'm guessing not.

Ben: Reddit Bureau of Investigation.

Amory: Up my alley.

Ben: Using the power of the Internet to solve real world problems.

Amory: Okay.

Ben: Okay, ready?

Amory: Yep.

Ben: This one actually has audio so I'm going to play it.

(Plays deep sound that can be found in the post below)

Ben: Okay.

Amory: What is that?

Ben: Great question. The title of this post is “Mysterious noise last night in New Hampshire area.”

Amory: Oooo.

Ben: "Andover New Hampshire: when spending July 30th away from home with some family we all heard this extremely loud noise while sitting around the campfire. For reference, it stopped all conversation and could be heard as it echoed throughout the nearby mountains. The noise repeated, with around a five to ten minute period in between. So that's why I had my phone out recording and captured the second time it happened. The next night we heard the sound again coming from the east."

(Noise plays again)

Ben: "I really want to know what this is. It's all I've been thinking about recently. The sound was also heard more than once on the first night, this recording only capturing the second of three happenings. The noise sounded far off to the east, but still loud and rumbled. On the first night, July 29th. The noise happened two to three times spanning 11:20 to 11:30  p.m. On the second night, July 31st, it was heard once at 12:16 A.M.."

Amory: Wow. Creepy.

Ben: So what do you think?

Amory: I'm just gonna go full Stranger Things, and say there's a lab that is up to no good, and they have a strange machine.

Ben: You're saying it's like farts from the upside down? Is that what you're telling me?

Amory: Way more powerful than farts.

Ben: Farts can be pretty powerful, I don’t know.

Amory: Yeah.

Ben: Okay, So I want to read you a couple of comments and you tell me what you think.

Amory: Okay.

Ben: “Almost sounds like a ship's horn to me. Any canals nearby or possibly a dam that is releasing water?” The OP, whose reddit handle is Bosschewbee says, “That was my first thought, but family that regularly lives in the area discounted it due to their surrounding areas not having a cause for larger shipping boats." So this is inland, in New Hampshire.

Amory: Wait, can I hear it again?

(Sound plays again)

Amory: I mean I've heard some like, frogs and toads make some pretty strange sounds, but that sounds even more ominous than that.

Ben: Yeah. This person had a pretty likely explanation sounds like, “it sounds like a ship horn which it could be. It's a hobby to some people which explains why you'd hear it in the middle of nowhere. That's the only place people could test them out without angering thousands of people. I'm thinking it went like this: 'I just bought this big ass ship horn in the surplus market but it needs work. Last night after fixing the issues it had, I've got to test this thing out. Holy shit it's god damn loud. Oh man so bad ass. I bet people can hear this ten miles away. I should stop just once more and again, okay, one more.'” And this person actually links to sound of a ship's horn. You wanna hear that?

Amory: Yeah of course.

Ben: That kind of sounds like it, right? It has that big, kind of echoing booming.

Amory: Why are they testing it out more than one night though?

Ben: If you're sitting around in the New Hampshire woods, drinking some beers, hanging out with your buddy who's got that big ass ship's horn he just bought online, you’re like, do it again Kenny.

Amory: I mean, I guess so. Do we know the answer? Do we get to the bottom of this?

Ben: There are a couple of updates to this post.

Amory: Okay.

Ben: Update: while the horn is an easy explanation it seems a little too deep and rumbling. I've recently joined the Andover New Hampshire friends group on Facebook to seek help from residents. Update number two: the Watts Water Webster valve division produces metal parts, but no hours are listed. If this was the cause why would it be so loud and so late? So somebody thought it was that. Update, possibly final: solved by Andover residents on Facebook. Multiple people claim it is some ex-convict that mods out car engines to make them as loud as possible. Thanks for your ideas everyone. I don't know. I don't know. You know, I like this idea that someone bought a ship's horn on eBay and was firing it off.

Amory: Well I have to see it. I'm a believe-it-when-I-see-it person. Until then it's just upside down farts.

Ben: I hear you, so dear redditors, dear listeners if you have any ideas other than upside down farts. Let us know.

Amory: Shout-out to redditors u/imthewiseguy and u/Fr3shBread for those inspiring posts in the confession subreddit.  If I ever think of a way to make the woodland hooligans clean up their act, I’ll let you know.

Ben: All right. We leave you with those stories. We're gonna get back to snacking and working on our next Endless Thread episode.

Amory: And I'm very excited about it.

Ben: So am I.

Amory: You should be too.

Ben: Yeah. OK. Talk next week.

Amory: Okay, bye!


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