Commentary: Mock Draft Of A Donald Trump Convention Victory Speech

Donald Trump speaks during a campaign rally in Pennsylvania on Thursday, April 21, 2016. (Julio Cortez/AP)
Donald Trump speaks during a campaign rally in Pennsylvania on Thursday, April 21, 2016. (Julio Cortez/AP)

This draft of a Donald Trump speech was left in the backroom of a New York strip club. It may or may not be authentic, but it bears a striking resemblance to comments that he has made on the campaign trail.


Is this convention great or what? There must be a half-million people in this place. And a lot of you are carrying weapons. And that’s the way it should be. This country was founded by men with guns. And women too, like Betsy Ross and Mary Todd Lincoln. Not that fat slob Rosie O’Donnell.

You people who just booed are losers. You backed losers and you deserve what losers get -- which is nothing. Sometimes, losers get hurt when they shoot off their mouths and winners get angry. And if that happens, I’ll pay the lawyers’ fees for the winners out here who shut up the losers. If you get hassled for fighting with losers or for openly carrying a pistol or a shotgun, just see my manager, Corey Lewandowski. He’s the best. He knows how to deal with the right people in the police department. We love our police, don’t we?

And we love our veterans. The way they have been treated is a disgrace. We’re going to give them the medical care and the jobs they are entitled to. Every vet will be taken care of. I don’t care how much it costs. I’ll put so many Americans to work, we’ll be able to afford it. Jobs that left for Mexico and China and India will come back to Cleveland and St. Louis and places like Flint.

I realize that it’s unusual for a presidential candidate to announce his running mate during his victory speech. I call this a victory speech, not an acceptance speech, because I accept nothing. Besides, I wanted there to be weeks of speculation and stories every day. I sent out tweets several times a day. All of the names people mentioned were losers.

It’s my pleasure and honor to announce my running mate. She’s a person of great judgment and great looks. And she’s got a great body, too. Yes, my vice presidential candidate is Melania. She’s an immigrant! She’s great. She doesn’t have great intelligence. But who cares about that in a vice president? Joe Biden is no Einstein. And Melania doesn’t need phony hair plugs like Joe. Did I mention her body? Believe me, she has a great body and I oughta know. I ran beauty pageants for years and years.

I suppose I should say a few words about Ted Cruz, who lost. He came in second here. "Lyin’ Ted" kept lyin’ right until the delegates were counted. Even then, he lied. One hand on the Bible, one hand stealing votes. I don’t hate Lyin’ Ted. I just hate his dishonesty. He’s the opposite of Honest Abe. Cruz tried to steal the convention by cutting backroom deals. It was corrupt. In fact this whole convention is rigged. If I hadn’t won, I would’ve challenged it in court. It’s a good thing Ted didn’t win the convention because he wasn’t born in this country. That would’ve been his downfall. He’s like Obama, not really a citizen.

We have to protect our borders. Either we have a country or we don’t.

I will build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I'll build it very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will get Mexico to pay for it. I’m tired of disgusting reporters asking, “How are you going to make them pay for it?” Very simple: If the Mexican government won’t, we will take all the dollars that the illegals make in our country and keep them. In no time, we’ll have enough to build two walls.

And all the raping that’s going on in America, I’m going to get to the bottom of it. If it’s not the Mexicans, fine. But somebody’s doing it.

Our weak president that kisses everybody’s ass is in more wars than I have ever seen. He’s in Libya, he’s in Afghanistan, he’s in Iraq. Nobody respects us. That deal he made with Iran: worst negotiation ever. I’ll tear it up and get one that protects us and Israel, which I love.

I’m going to tear up all the trade deals that Obama made. I knew from day one that he hated America. Why shouldn’t he? He’s Kenyan, not American, and doesn’t care about the white people in our country.

I know the Democrats haven’t officially picked Hillary, but anyone with half a brain knows she’ll be the nominee. She’s bribed many, many of the delegates with promises of jobs. People like Hillary hire hacks and unqualified people. Many of them in Washington are lazy. That’s why our debt is so big. And she messed up Libya and Iraq and every other country while she was Obama’s foreign policy stooge. A disaster.

And another thing about Hillary: She’s crooked, takes money from all the crooked special interests out there. That’s why I call her "Crooked Hillary." I give all my opponents clever names. In the past, I made donations to Crooked Hillary. I do business in New York and I was forced to give money to her. Or else I wouldn’t have been able to create thousands -- maybe millions -- of jobs in New York. I have created more jobs in New York than anyone. Ever. And that doesn’t count my beauty pageants. I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. I tell you that.

I will beat Crooked Hillary. Melania will beat the Democrats’ vice president, anyone they nominate. At her debate, she will be so hot all the men out there won’t hear a word she’s saying. You’ll be looking at her face and, believe me, at her body.

One thing I can promise tonight and from now on, no more losing for America. You’ll see so much winning, it’ll make your head spin. You’ll be sick of winning. Not just the Mexicans, we’ll beat the Chinese, the Japanese, all of them. I do business with China and I beat China all the time. They’re tough but not tougher than me. I know their tricks. And Putin’s too. He and I talk straight.

I came up the hard way. My father, God rest his soul, left me a small business. It was almost nothing, really. In just a few years, I created a great empire, my name is on buildings all over the world. And it’s made me very, very rich. Melania said the day she became a Trump was almost as exciting as the day she was born. That’s why she’s my running mate -- loyalty.

I’m not only very, very wealthy but I’m also very, very smart. Sorry, losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest, and you all know it. Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.

One more thing I want to clear up. The blacks love me, Muslims love me, Hispanics, too, and queers and all the other deviants love me. Nobody will be better for the women than I will be. Even the college girls for Bernie.

I swear that I will not allow one Muslim to enter our country until we figure out just what the hell is going on. I have Muslim friends and they agree with me. In fact, some of them will deport themselves.

That story about how I read Hitler’s books is totally false. My first wife said it to get back at me. There’s nobody bigger on the U.S. military than I am. We have to make it the biggest and best in the world. So no one will mess with us.

Now before we leave I want you -- even those who didn’t support me -- to raise your right hand and repeat after me. I ... promise ... that I ... will work my butt off ... to elect Donald J. Trump ... leader of the free world.

When I get elected I will bring our country back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make America great again. You’ve been great. Now get to work electing me and, don’t forget, destroy my enemies.

Dan Payne is a Democratic political analyst and a regular contributor to WBUR Politicker. He tweets @payneco.

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Dan Payne Democratic Political Analyst
Dan Payne is a Democratic political analyst for WBUR.



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