I'll watch the ballgame if the centerfielder mows my lawn,
And if the shortstop feeds my daughter's mouse when we are gone...
And maybe if the bullpen guys have time enough to do it,
They'd wash the picture window so that then we can see through it.

I'll care about the draft the NBA's about to run
If two or three tall guys can clean our gutters. When they're done
They might wash off the ceiling in the shower. What the heck?
Each time I do it, man, I wake up with the stiffest neck
I've ever had since last I did the job, and who needs those?
Meanwhile, I'll go see hockey if the whistle ever blows,
When several Rangers and a Maple Leaf or L.A. King
Come over with a tamper and some cold patch. Here's the thing... My
driveway's got these holes. They're getting bigger all the time.
A wheel goes in, I might not get back out. So where's the crime
In asking if some hockey players might put in some patches?
And while they're on the job, there are some small but ugly scratches
Across the Camry's door. A little touch-up paint, we're good.
Now you may feel I'm out of bounds, and that I never should
Expect more from the players than they're all paid to provide:
Exciting entertainment and a great, unscripted ride
From starting pitch to final out or long, last second shot,
And most times I'd agree that's all there is and they are not
Obliged to earn my loyalty by any other means,
But lately life's been crowding in, so if the sticky screens
That prob'ly need replacing could be dealt with by an end
Or quarterback or safety, then those guys would have a friend
In me. I'd buy a ticket, paint my face, and scream and cheer,
But otherwise with all the chores I've got, I can't go near
A stadium or even a TV when games are going.
In fact, at times when normally the tube would be a'glowing
With baseball or with basketball or football or such stuff,
I might be doing laundry, which is not exactly tough:
A tennis pro could do it, or a golfer. It's a cinch.
The guys who drive in NASCAR could all manage in a pinch.

I know the athletes are supposed to have me all inspired, But, heck, sometimes by Saturday, those jobs have got me tired,
And though the athlete's mission is to bear my child-like dreams,
Right now I'd take some less dramatic "bearing." If that seems
Irrational and silly, well, I've no time to debate.
I said I'd pick the kids up, and I think I'm running late.

This program aired on June 15, 2005. The audio for this program is not available.


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