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The Fourth Post | Ep. 310
Think about a time you complained.
Sometimes our complaints are well founded, and it makes sense that we’re irked. But as we’ll hear in today’s tale, there can be an awfully fine line between sense and nonsense!
Today our story is called “The Fourth Post.” It’s inspired by tales told in a number of places, including Great Britain, Italy, Russia and the Philippines.
Voices in this episode include: Amy Brentano, Joe Hernandez, Kym Miller, Ryan P. Shrime and Jeff Meacham. Jeff Meacham played Josh in the ABC comedy “Black-ish” and Principal Bradford in the Nickelodeon series “The Thundermans.” You can currently see him play vampire dad Boris Hauntley in the Disney Junior series, “Vampirina.”
This episode was adapted for Circle Round by Rebecca Sheir. It was edited by Dean Russell. Original music and sound design is by Eric Shimelonis. Our artist is Sabina Hahn.
GROWN-UPS! PRINT THIS so everyone can color while listening. We’re also keeping an album so please share your picture on Facebook and Instagram, and tag it with #CircleRoundPodcast. To access all the coloring pages for past episodes click HERE. Our resident artist is Sabina Hahn and you can learn more about her HERE.
Now It’s Your Turn
It’s time to make Alphabet Soup – not the kind you cook, but the kind you craft! Here’s how:
- Draw a big bowl on a piece of paper.
- Get three more pieces of paper and write the letters of the alphabet on each one. Make sure the letters are fairly spread out.
- Ask a grown-up to help you cut out your letters.
- Have fun arranging your letters in your bowl so that they spell out words, phrases, even sentences!
- When you’re done you can glue them in place or set them aside so you can craft more words later!
Grown-ups: email a photo of your Circle Round fan and their alphabet soup to circleround@wbur.org. With your permission, we may feature you in your Circle Round newsletter, “The Lion’s Roar”!
Musical Spotlight: Marimba
The marimba is an idiophone: i.e. a percussion instrument that creates sound through vibration of the instrument itself, as opposed to blown air, plucked or bowed strings, struck membranes, or electricity.
While the marimba resembles a xylophone, it has a greater range: three to five octaves versus the xylophone’s two-and-a-half to four. The marimba typically has tuned wooden bars suspended over some type of resonator or chamber. The resonators serve to amplify the bars’ pitch and harmonics. To play the marimba, you use mallets wrapped in yarn, wool or cord; you can also use rubber mallets.
While the marimba originated in Africa, it has become a standard instrument in percussion sections in Southeast Asia, Europe, North America, South America and Central America. You can hear Eric Shimelonis play the marimba in other Circle Round episodes, including “Earning Peanuts,” “The Twin Monkeys,” “Rabbit’s Wish,” “The Perfect Partnership” and “The Laws of Nature.”
Script:
NARRATOR (host Rebecca Sheir): Alfie was a substitute teacher. For years, he had been stepping in for full-time instructors when they needed time off.
Alfie adored teaching… but he yearned for a class of his own. So you can imagine his delight when he applied for a full-time job at a faraway school… and got it!
ALFIE: This is so great! I’ll move to my new town… I’ll rent an apartment… then once I start my job I can save up enough money to buy a house!
NARRATOR: It seemed like a great plan. But when Alfie arrived in his new town, he made an unexpected discovery.
ALFIE: There’s not one apartment around here that I can actually afford! Everything is so EXPENSIVE! (beat) I need to live SOMEWHERE… so if I can't rent a place… then I’ll build one! I’ll scrounge up some wood and put up a cozy cabin at the edge of town!
NARRATOR: Alfie got to work collecting whatever bits and scraps of lumber he could find. He managed to gather enough wood for the floor, ceiling, and walls. But he only had enough for three posts!
ALFIE: I need four posts to hold up my cabin’s roof! (SIGH) Since I can’t afford to buy a fourth post, I’ll go and see the local carpenter! I’ll ask if I can borrow a post. I’ll pay them back once I start my teaching job and have some money in the bank!
NARRATOR: When Alfie entered the carpenter’s shop, he was greeted by a stocky fellow wearing overalls, a tool belt, and a name tag that read “Albert.”
ALBERT: Hello there! How can I help you to – (stops before finishing “today”) (GASP!) ALFIE!!! …Alfie-bet Soup!!! …Is that YOU???
NARRATOR: Alfie's stomach did a flip-flop. “Alfie-bet soup” was his nickname back in school. Inspired by the old cafeteria standby of “alphabet soup” – chicken broth with pasta alphabet letters – the name was given to him by the school bully: a stocky, bossy kid named…
ALFIE: …ALBERT! (beat) Wow! I didn’t recognize you!
ALBERT: Really? But we spent so much quality time together when we were kids! Remember how you used to help me with my homework?
NARRATOR: Alfie cringed. He had not “helped” Albert with his homework. He had done it FOR him. If he dared to refuse, he would find a heap of sand in his rainboots, or a cans’ worth of shaving cream in his backpack.
ALBERT: So! Tell me, Alfie-bet Soup. How can I help you today?
NARRATOR: Alfie hesitated. He didn’t want to ask his childhood nemesis for a favor,but what choice did he have?
ALFIE: Well, Albert…. I’m looking for a wooden post. So I can finish building a cabin at the edge of town. (beat) I can’t afford to BUY a post – at the moment. But I got this great new gig teaching at the school. Once I start earning money, I can pay you back!
NARRATOR: Alfie held his breath, awaiting Albert’s response. If they were still kids, Albert would no doubt grab Alfie’s head and give him a noogie… or grab his underwear and give him a wedgie.
But instead, he grabbed Alfie’s hand… and gave it a shake!
ALBERT: You’ve got yourself a deal! You can use one of my posts.
NARRATOR: Alfie could hardly believe his ears.
ALFIE: I can use one of your posts? That’s amazing! (beat) Thank you, Albert! I’ll pay you back as soon as I can!
ALBERT: (laying it on thick; hatching a plan) Oh come on! An old friend doesn’t have to “pay” me ANYTHING! Not one cent!
NARRATOR: Alfie’s jaw dropped. “An old friend”? “Not one cent”? Clearly, his old nemesis had turned over a new leaf!
ALFIE: Albert! I am so grateful for this! I’ll put the post to use right away!
NARRATOR: And he did. Now that Alfie had his fourth post, he worked day and night to finish his cabin. By the middle of summer break, it was done.
Early one morning, while snoozing on a second-hand mattress he'd found, Alfie was jolted awake by a pounding at the door.
[SOT: pounding at door]
ALFIE: (groggy) Ugh! Who could THAT be? I'm not expecting any visitors… And it’s barely past sunrise!
NARRATOR: When he slid into his slippers and pulled the door open, who should he find standing outside…
[SOT: door open]
ALBERT: Good morning, Alfie-bet Soup!
NARRATOR: …but Albert!
ALBERT: I’ve come to collect my cash!
NARRATOR: Alfie yawned and rubbed his eyes.
ALFIE: (still sleepy) I’m sorry, Albert. I just woke up and I’m kind of groggy. What “cash” have you “come to collect”…?
ALBERT: The cash you owe me! …For the post!
ALFIE: The cash I owe you for the post?????!??
NARRATOR: Alfie was no longer groggy. He was gobsmacked!
ALFIE: (no longer sleepy) But Albert! You told me that “An old friend doesn’t have to pay you anything! Not one cent!”
ALBERT: Yeah. I did tell you that. (snide) But come on, Alfie-bet Soup. Since when are YOU “an old friend”?
NARRATOR: Alfie felt his heart plunge into his slippers.
ALFIE: I can’t believe this! You weren’t being serious! It was all a trick!
ALBERT: Of course it was a trick, Alfie-bet Soup! You know I always loved pulling a fast one on you! …Like the time I unscrewed the shower head in the locker room? And put hot pepper inside? Then I screwed the head back on before you took your shower?
NARRATOR: Alfie shuddered. He had smelled spicy for days after that stunt!
ALFIE: Listen Albert. I told you: I don’t have any money! Once my teaching job starts I can eventually pay you back, but until then I – (gets cut off mid-sentence)
ALBERT: (interrupting) Nope! Negative! Not on your nelly. You either give me the cash NOW… or you give me the POST!
NARRATOR: Alfie threw up his hands.
ALFIE: I can’t give you the post! It’s holding up the roof of my cabin! The whole place will fall down if I take it out!
ALBERT: Not my problem! (beat) Look. If you can’t give me the cash – and you won’t give me the post… then I’m giving YOU a summons! You and I will go see the judge in the capital city! Word has it she’s one tough cookie. (beat) So be ready first thing tomorrow, Alfie-bet Soup. ‘Cuz I am taking YOU… TO COURT!
[theme music in]
NARRATOR: What will happen when Alfie and Albert face the judge?
We’ll find out, after a quick break.
[theme music out]
[BREAK]
[theme music in]
NARRATOR: I’m Rebecca Sheir. Welcome back to Circle Round. Today our story is called “The Fourth Post.”
[theme music out]
NARRATOR: Before the break, Alfie’s childhood nemesis, Albert, was taking him to court in the capital city, many miles away. Alfie didn’t talk much as they walked down the road. Albert, however, prattled on…
ALBERT: Remember that time I stuck your rear end to your desk chair with chewing gum? That was awesome!
NARRATOR: …and on!
ALBERT: And how about the time I filled a pitcher with water and mac-and-cheese powder?! And I told you it was orange juice?! That was awesome too!
NARRATOR: By lunchtime, Alfie's patience was dwindling – and his tummy was grumbling. He sat down on a stump and pulled some bread and cheese from his rucksack. When Albert saw the food, his face lit up.
ALBERT: Oooo! Is that lunch? I'll be taking that!
NARRATOR: Before Alfie could protest, Albert grabbed the bread and cheese and began gnawing away.
ALBERT: (eating) Mmmm! This reminds me of when you used to share your lunch with me at school!
NARRATOR: Alfie rolled his eyes. He had never “shared” his lunch with Albert. He had given it to him! Otherwise he might find his desk crawling with banana slugs!
Alfie sighed and watched helplessly as Albert polished off his lunch. Then they continued on their way. They stopped when they reached a high bridge spanning a river.
ALFIE: Yikes! This bridge is so old, its beams are rotting and crumbling into the water! There's no way we can walk across!
ALBERT: I don’t normally agree with you, Alfie-bet Soup… But you’re right. (beat) I guess we’ll have to swim instead! (beat) Cannonbaaaaaaaaaallllllll!
NARRATOR: Albert took a running leap. It was a long way down. After finally hitting the water…
[SOT: splash]
NARRATOR: …he doggy-paddled to the other shore and called up to Alfie.
ALBERT: [SOT: from down below] Come on down! The water’s fine!
NARRATOR: Alfie braced himself and jumped.
ALFIE: Here I gooooo!
NARRATOR: But when he hit the water, he also hit a man who was bathing in it!
[SOT: splash/body impact]
ALFIE: Oh my goodness! I am SO sorry, sir! The bridge was so high, I didn’t see you!
NARRATOR: The man scowled.
MAN: You may not have SEEN me, but you landed on me! I think you sprained my pinky finger! You might even have broken it! (beat) For that, I am taking you TO COURT!
NARRATOR: Alfie’s heart clenched.
ALFIE: I understand that you’re upset, sir. And again, I’m sorry. How about I take you to the nearest hospital and – (gets cut off)
MAN: (interrupting) No! I am taking you to court! You’ll pay for what you’ve done!
NARRATOR: Alfie heaved a sigh. Then he pulled the man to the other side of the river, where Albert was waiting… with a smirk.
ALBERT: (smirking) Way to go, Alfie-bet Soup! That was a real smooth move! Now you’ll face the judge for TWO crimes! Instead of ONE! (laughter)
NARRATOR: Alfie gritted his teeth and followed Albert and the man down the road.
They were nearing a muddy pond when they laid eyes on an unusual sight.
Flailing around in the pond’s sticky sludge… was a teeny-tiny gerbil!
[SOT: gerbil squeak]
NARRATOR: And beside the pond was a frenzied, frantic woman.
WOMAN: (frantic) Come on, Seymour! I don’t know how you got stuck in that muddy pond, but I’ve got to get you out! So please! Stop squirming!
[SOT: gerbil squeak]
NARRATOR: Alfie felt his heart go out to the woman – and to Seymur!
ALFIE: Pardon me, ma’am! May I try to get your gerbil out?
WOMAN: By all means! I can’t get a hold of him!
NARRATOR: Alfie stepped into the mud, seized Seymour by his long, thin tail, and gave it a yank.
ALFIE: (ad-lib efforting sound of yanking)
NARRATOR: Happily, he pulled Seymour right out!
[SOT: gerbil squeak]
NARRATOR: But unhappily, he pulled Seymour’s tail right off!
[SOT: more surprised/distressed gerbil squeak]
WOMAN: (GASP!) Look what you’ve done! You pulled off Seymour’s tail! And even though gerbils can shed their tails… they can never grow them back!
ALFIE: I’m so sorry, ma’am! It was an accident! I didn’t mean to – (gets cut off)
WOMAN: (interrupting) But you did! You broke Seymour’s tail – and you broke my heart! Seymour is my best friend in the entire world, so I’ll make you pay for what you’ve done. (beat) I am taking you to court!
NARRATOR: Alfie grimaced. Albert grinned.
ALBERT: (smiling) Ha! This is not your day, Alfie-bet Soup! How many crimes are you accused of now? Three?
NARRATOR: Alfie didn't say a word. He just heaved a sigh, then followed Albert, the man with the sprained pinky finger, the gerbil with the broken tail, and the woman with the broken heart to the capital city.
Before long, they were filing into the courthouse and standing before the judge.
JUDGE: Good afternoon, everyone. I must say: It’s not often I see a case with multiple plaintiffs. Usually just ONE person is lodging a complaint and looking to me to make things right! (beat) So Albert? Let’s begin with you. What is your complaint against Alfie?
NARRATOR: Albert puffed out his chest.
ALBERT: That rascal has my post, Your Honor! And he refuses to return it!
NARRATOR: The judge locked eyes with Alfie.
JUDGE: Is what Albert says true, Alfie? You will not return his post?
ALFIE: It is true, Your Honor. But if I do return it, my cabin will fall down! And besides! He led me to think he was giving it to me! As an old friend!
ALBERT: You're not “an old friend”! You’re just selfish!
ALFIE: Selfish? I gave you my lunch! You ate all of my bread and cheese!
ALBERT: What does that have to do with – (gets cut off mid-sentence)
JUDGE: (interrupting) Gentlemen! Please! Settle down. (beat) I hereby rule that Alfie shall return Albert’s post.
ALBERT: (triumphant) HA!
JUDGE: …And Albert shall return Alfie’s lunch!
ALBERT: HUH???
NARRATOR: Alfie could have said the same thing. How could Albert “return” the bread and cheese? They were already in his belly!
But before any questions could be asked, the judge moved on to the man with the sprained pinky.
JUDGE: You sir. What is your complaint against Alfie?
MAN: Well! When he jumped into the river – where I was innocently bathing – he landed on me! And sprained my pinky finger!
NARRATOR: The judge gave Alfie a look.
JUDGE: Is what he says true, Alfie? You jumped into the river and sprained this man’s pinky?
ALFIE: It IS true, Your Honor. But I only jumped because I couldn’t walk across the broken bridge! And I was up so high, I didn’t see him!
MAN: Oh, so YOU’RE the victim now? I’M the guy with the injured finger!
JUDGE: Please! Enough squabbling! (beat) I hereby rule that Alfie shall bathe in the same river that the man did… Then the man shall jump from the bridge, land ON ALFIE, and sprain ALFIE’S pinky finger.
MAN: What???
NARRATOR: Alfie was just as confused as the man was. But the judge pressed on, shifting her focus to the woman.
JUDGE: It’s time for our THIRD plaintiff. Ma’am? What is YOUR complaint against Alfie?
WOMAN: (teary) He pulled off my gerbil’s tail, Your Honor! He yanked it right off his body!
NARRATOR: The judge leveled her gaze on Alfie.
JUDGE: Alfie? Is what she says true? You pulled off her gerbil’s tail?
ALFIE: It IS true, Your Honor. But I was only trying to rescue him from the muddy pond! And I’m sorry his tail won’t grow back, but at least he’s safe from the – (gets interrupted)
WOMAN: (interrupting; snide, sarcastic) Safe from WHAT? From looking like a normal gerbil and having a nice long tail?
JUDGE: Please! Enough of the interruptions! (beat) I hereby rule that this woman shall give Alfie her gerbil. Alfie shall not return the gerbil until he has made its tail grow back.
WOMAN: But that’s absurd! There’s no way that – (gets cut off)
JUDGE: (interrupting) The court has spoken! You have your orders and I expect you to follow them – lest you wind up in this courthouse again. (beat) This case… is CLOSED!
NARRATOR: The judge rose to her feet and swept out of the room. Alfie gave the three plaintiffs a shrug.
ALFIE: Well? I guess it’s time to start following the judge’s orders!
NARRATOR: He turned to the woman.
[SOT: squeak]
ALFIE: Ma’am? You have to give me Seymour. According to the judge, I get to keep him! (beat) At least until his tail grows back.
[SOT: squeak]
WOMAN: But I can’t give you Seymour! If I DO, I’ll never see him again! Because his tail WON’T grow back! Ever! (beat) So… how about – instead of giving you my gerbil – I give you my money? Here!
NARRATOR: She reached into her purse.
WOMAN: Take these fifty coins!
ALFIE: But the judge said – (gets cut off)
WOMAN: (interrupting) I don’t care what the judge said! The whole thing is impossible! (beat) So take the money and we’ll forget about our differences!
NARRATOR: She pressed the coins into Alfie’s palm, then popped Seymour into her apron and sprinted out of the courtroom.
[SOT: squeak in the distance as woman runs away]
NARRATOR: By the time Alfie and the two remaining plaintiffs exited the courthouse, the woman was gone.
When the three men came to the river, Alfie led the man with the sprained pinky to the edge of the bridge.
ALFIE: As you can see, sir, it’s a long drop to the river. But don’t worry! I’ll be bathing in the water, so that you can land on me and sprain my pinky!
NARRATOR: The man peered down. Panic flooded his face.
MAN: Look Alfie! I know what the judge said, but I can’t do it! I can't jump off this bridge! I’m bound to break my OTHER pinky finger! I’m bound to break EVERYTHING!
NARRATOR: He reached into his pocket.
MAN: You took the woman’s money, so please! Take MINE! (beat) Here are two hundred coins! Use them in good health!
NARRATOR: He forced the money into Alfie’s hand and bolted away. Albert, who had been uncharacteristically quiet all this time, finally spoke up.
ALBERT: Okay, this is nonsense! Absolute nonsense! You committed all these crimes! Yet now you’re getting paid for them????!?? (beat) Well mark my words, Alfie-bet Soup. You’re not getting a CENT from me. You’re giving me my post and that’s that. End of story.
ALFIE: Is it, though…?
NARRATOR: Alfie shrugged.
ALFIE: I mean, the judge DID order that I give you back your post. But only if YOU own up to YOUR part of the bargain.
ALBERT: (snide) Ohhh! You mean I give you back the lunch I ate all those hours ago? That’s impossible!
ALFIE: I wouldn't be so sure about that.
NARRATOR: Alfie smiled.
ALFIE: Albert… Do you remember how I got the nickname, “Alfie-bet soup”?
ALBERT: (proud) Of course I remember! I was the one who gave it to you!
ALFIE: Right. You were the one who gave it to me… on the same day the school cafeteria served alphabet soup! You grabbed me by my ankles, flipped me upside-down, and shook me…! Until I literally lost my lunch! There were little pasta letters all over the floor. To say nothing of the chicken broth. (beat) I was too afraid to push back then. But now…?
NARRATOR: He held up his hands, wiggled his fingers, and cast a mischievous glance at Albert's ankles.
ALBERT: (nervous) Hang on there, Alfie-bet Soup! You’re not gonna turn me upside-down and shake me, are you? I have a very sensitive stomach! I’ll lose my lunch!
ALFIE: Exactly!
NARRATOR: Albert’s eyes were as wide as two soup bowls.
ALBERT: (nervous) Ummm… I'll tell you what! How about you keep the post???!!! And you hold on to it as long as you’d like?!??!! I’ll never ask you about it again!
NARRATOR: Alfie cocked his head.
ALFIE: Will you also stop bullying me…? No more pranks? No more stolen lunches? No more "Alfie-bet Soup”?
NARRATOR: For the second time in two days, Alfie held his breath, awaiting Albert’s response. But instead of grabbing his head and giving him a noogie… or grabbing his underwear and giving him a wedgie… Albert grabbed Alfie’s hand… and gave it a shake!
ALBERT: (sincere) You’ve got yourself a deal… Alfie. …AND a long-overdue apology. (beat) (sheepish, humbled) Friends…?
NARRATOR: Alfie gave Albert’s hand a squeeze.
ALFIE: (touched) Okay, Albert. (beat) Friends.
NARRATOR: And so it was that after years of taunts and tricks, stunts and pranks, Albert was no longer Alfie’s bully. Instead… he was his buddy. And the two friends lived happily ever after – no shaving cream, hot pepper, or banana slugs to be found!
