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Tom Brady Interrupts This Public Health Emergency To Bring You Some News

In this Jan. 4, 2020, file photo, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady shakes hands with a fan as he leaves the field after losing an NFL wild-card playoff football game to the Tennessee Titans in Foxborough, Mass. Tom Brady is an NFL free agent for the first time in his career. The 42-year-old quarterback with six Super Bowl rings  said Tuesday morning, March 17, 2020, that he is leaving the New England Patriots. (Bill Sikes/AP)
In this Jan. 4, 2020, file photo, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady shakes hands with a fan as he leaves the field after losing an NFL wild-card playoff football game to the Tennessee Titans in Foxborough, Mass. Tom Brady is an NFL free agent for the first time in his career. The 42-year-old quarterback with six Super Bowl rings said Tuesday morning, March 17, 2020, that he is leaving the New England Patriots. (Bill Sikes/AP)

In an apparent attempt to avoid the coronavirus, Tom Brady has decided to leave New England.

Brady appears likely to relocate to Los Angeles, Las Vegas, or Tampa. He has apparently failed to notice that the virus is threatening pro football players in those locales, too, as well as some citizens who don’t play football, or even watch it.

Recognizing that Twitter is the only method of communication to which anyone pays attention to these days, Mr. Brady issued a tweet on Tuesday headed “FOREVER A PATRIOT…until I’m not,” except that last part wasn’t really part of what he wrote.

Mr. Brady did thank many people associated with the Patriots organization for the development of a “winning culture built on great values.” Among those whom Brady credited with “great values” was Pats owner Robert Kraft, which struck several women no longer residing in Florida as curious, and perhaps ironic.

By most measures, Tom Brady has been the most successful quarterback in NFL history. “Has been” is not a typo, despite Mr. Brady’s apparent determination to continue playing pro football until he is 45 or so, or perhaps until he can’t remember how old he is.

Mr. Brady’s tweet ended months of speculation about his future plans. Some fans were certain that his extraordinarily successful association with Patriots head coach Bill Belichick would encourage Brady to remain with the team, despite the failure of the Pats to advance past the wildcard round in last season’s playoffs. One can only hope they did not wager accordingly.

All of Brady’s fans could agree that the announcement of his plans to leave New England came at the perfect time, because they just don’t have the leisure to feel much sadness at Brady’s decision. Some are too busy trying to find a store that hasn’t run out of toilet paper. Others are preoccupied with searching through cardboard boxes in their basements, where they’re almost certain they packed away Scrabble and Monopoly ... games which they thought they’d never need again once their kids left home, but which they’re now desperate to find as they face at least two more weeks confined to their homes.

New England fans who aren’t coughing into their elbows or running fevers no doubt wish the departing quarterback well...

Toward the end of his tweet, Brady thanked the fans for “the packed training camps and sold-out stadiums.” Some conspiracy-minded Pats followers saw in that phrase a not-so-subtle thumbing of the nose at Patriots Nation, now that no more than 10 people are allowed to congregate in church, let alone at training camp or in a stadium. But most of Brady’s audience felt he was only indulging in innocent nostalgia ... a kind of wistful remembering of the bright and happy days when joining a crowd of people to have a good time was regarded not only as acceptable, but as downright patriotic. Those fans feel that Tom Brady was only recalling the good old days, and they can hardly blame him for that, as they pile frozen pizzas into their freezers and toggle between “Law and Order” reruns and updates regarding infection and death.

“I don’t know what my football future holds,” Brady tweeted. “But it is time for me to open a new stage for my life and career.”

New England fans who aren’t coughing into their elbows or running fevers no doubt wish the departing quarterback well, as they wonder idly about the multi-bathroom mansion he will leave behind, and how many rolls of toilet paper there might be therein.

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