When someone you know gets divorced: Condolences or congratulations?

Gardening has never been one of my strengths, so when my marriage ended and my ex moved out, I desperately needed someone to help. I hired a woman on a local listserv and explained that I’d just gotten divorced and knew nothing about plant care. My new green-thumbed helper didn’t look at me with pity or sad eyes. Instead, she just chirped a quick “Congratulations!” and started pulling weeds out of my yard.

I was surprised — no one else had congratulated me on my divorce — but grateful that I didn’t have to explain, justify or dive into the details with this stranger. And frankly, at that stage of the game, congratulations were in order. Even though I was sad that my marriage had ended, it had been a grueling year of dealing with mediators, splitting bank accounts and working out a parenting plan. Standing there in my yard, pulling weeds with a stranger who didn’t pity me, I could feel my confidence shift.

When someone shares the news of their separation or divorce, friends and family are often unsure of how to respond. Divorce is a major life transition and almost always involves heartbreak, stress and loss. But when a marriage ends, there is ample opportunity for growth, healing and transformation, too. This complex set of factors makes divorce a unique mix of loss and gain, endings and beginnings. It makes sense, then, that friends and family might wonder whether they should say “I’m sorry” or “Congrats!”

Until very recently, divorce has been seen as a tragedy, or something to be ashamed of. Because of these cultural scripts, the most common response to divorce has been to offer condolences. For many people, ending their marriage is not their choice and for some, the ending comes due to abuse, addiction or infidelity. Divorce brings out our worst qualities and many couples end up in bitter conflicts about finances and parenting plans. The grief and loss can be significant. Many people need to move, change jobs and adjust to a parenting schedule they never planned for. Offering condolences in those cases is compassionate and acknowledges how painful ending a marriage can be. However, condolences may not always be what someone needs.

Upon hearing the news of my divorce 16 years ago, well-meaning friends responded with deep sighs, furrowed brows and extra empathy. Their mournful expressions were comforting when I first separated, but when the divorce was over, my friends’ sad faces made me feel like I needed to reassure them. In the end, my divorce represented not only a loss, but a sense of liberation from a marriage that wasn’t working. What I really wanted to hear once the legalities were final was how proud they were that I was over the hardest parts and how excited they were for my fresh start.

More recently, cultural narratives have shifted as divorce has become less stigmatized and more recognized as a valid choice. Ending a marriage is more often seen as a restructuring than a failure — especially for women, who initiate nearly 70% of heterosexual divorces. Many leave because they want freedom from unequal partnerships or a way out of marriages that lack emotional connection. They leave when there is a lack of intimacy, or their spouse has shut down emotionally. For those women, divorce can be an empowering act of self-determination worthy of congratulations and celebration. Divorce registries (a la wedding and baby registries) and divorce parties have grown in popularity as society grows more accepting of the idea of divorce as a transition rather than a tragedy.

So, where does that leave you when your friend (or brother or aunt) announces their marriage is over? What do you say? The best response can’t be found in a prepared script. Instead, a mix of empathy, curiosity and listening will help you offer support.

Listen first. If you’ve heard about the details of your friend’s divorce over many months or many years, you probably have a sense of whether they are feeling crestfallen or celebratory. But even if you think you know how your friend is feeling, don’t assume. Many people have mixed emotions throughout the divorce journey and the end of that journey is no different. It is always wise to listen before you talk.

If you are just learning about your friend’s divorce or you don’t know the details, tune into their body language, tone and the words they use for clues about how best to react.

Ask questions. If you are unsure how to reply to your friend’s news, you could ask, “How are you feeling about it?” Or simply, “That’s big news, how are you doing?” You can also ask if they want to talk about it or what the divorce means for them. By asking questions, you’ll get information that can help you respond with empathy.

Consider the timing. Divorce is never a single-day event. People often think about divorce for years, and once the decision is made, the legal process can take months or years to complete. During that time, people’s feelings evolve. What begins as a heartbreaking decision can become an empowering new beginning with lots of emotions in between. On the other hand, an amicable split can devolve into a bitter ongoing battle with lots of ups and downs throughout. It is common for people navigating divorce to swing through a variety of feelings, sometimes in a week, other times in a single day.

Honor both sides. In many cases, the most compassionate response is one that honors the complexity of divorce — the loss and heartbreak, but also the relief and freedom. Acknowledging that both exist may be the most empathic response.

“I’m sure you have been through a lot but I imagine you are relieved it’s over.” “I’m here for you for whatever you need — a shoulder to cry on or a Friday night out on the town.” “Ugh, divorce is so complicated. I am so proud of you for getting through it.”

It has been many years since my divorce and I never did learn how to garden, but some lessons are even more important.

Oona Metz will appear at WBUR's CitySpace on Wednesday, Feb. 11, in a conversation moderated by Tiziana Dearing: "The realities of modern marriage and navigating divorce."  Authors Scaachi Koul and Nicole Graev Lipson also join the panel. Tickets available here.