If Barry hits another one, as one night soon he will,
He'll be a little closer to the everlasting thrill
Of moving past Babe Ruth on one of baseball's holy lists...
And chasing Henry Aaron, he of those amazing wrists...
But wait. Another chase is on. George Mitchell said this week
That his investigation into steroids and the freak
That steroids have created has begun its interviewing.
See, Mr. Mitchell, has been charged with diligent pursuing
Of steroids in the game that Mr. Mitchell has embraced...
In fact, he's on the Red Sox Board and Chairman of the place
That owns ESPN, which, I am almost certain means
That Mr. Mitchell's company could lose a lot of beans
If his investigation shows the game is full of cheats.
But that's beside the point, we're told, as everyone repeats
That Mitchell is the man for this investigating task,
And it would sure be impolite for anyone to ask
If there might be another honest man or woman who,
Bereft of ties to baseball could be counted on to do
The job. But I digress. The point, as interviews proceed,
And Barry's former trainer finds himself in sudden need
Of lawyers, is the race between the hitter and the guys
Investigating steroids. See, if Barry hits the prize
Homerun that takes him past the Babe, and baseball, set to cheer,
Should suddenly get word that out of honesty or fear,
His trainer or a player or some other source somewhere
Has testified that Barry lied, will baseball even care?
I guess if you're Bud Selig that you hope nobody squeals...
Or maybe that the aches and pains that Barry daily feels
Will keep him on the bench. Or that no pitcher throws a strike,
Or even something close enough that Barry Bonds might like
To swing. Or maybe, if you're Bud, you hope that Mitchell's chore
Will take about five years, or ten, or maybe even more,
By which time Barry Bonds will be retired on a beach
So far away that no one with a microphone can reach
Old Barry for a comment. And by then Bud Selig, too,
Will be an ex-commissioner with nothing more to do
Than smile and thank whatever fates conspired to block the day
That Barry might have been arrested so he couldn't play.
This program aired on April 28, 2006. The audio for this program is not available.