3B Minus AK-47 = Evan Longoria

Different states have different gun laws, and the law in Florida is that you can have an AK-47, which is an assault rifle, of your very own. Or more than one, if that's your preference, and you are welcome take it on the road, and perhaps to leave it around where somebody can steal it.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

I have read that the AK-47 is a very fine thing to have on hand if you wish to shoot a lot of bullets in a very short period of time, which some people enjoy doing at firing ranges, and perhaps in other places as well. The AK-47 is allegedly simple to use, and simple to fix, and you can become the proud owner of one for a few hundred dollars, or more for a very nice one, but probably less for one that was previously owned by an older person who only took it out on Sunday.

Evan Longoria, who is the third baseman for the Tampa Bay Rays, owns one.

Or rather, he owned one.

Because his AK-47 was among the wristwatches, jewelry, flat-screen TV, iPads, laptops and so on of which Mr. Longoria and his roommates, pitcher David Price and shortstop Reid Brignac were relieved by persons or persons unknown, although it is known, or at least strongly suspected, that said persons are watching TV in high def and telling each other the correct time whenever they like by looking at their expensive watches.

And it is also known, or at least suspected, that person or persons can also shoot a lot of bullets very quickly at whatever the feel might need bullets in it.

A gun expert in Tampa named Fritz Casper was asked to speculate on the charms and attractions of the AK-47, and his comments are instructive.

"The only time a person would need a rifle of that magnitude is if they're fending off zombies," Fritz Casper said.

So there is nothing left for it but to hope that the person or persons who cleaned out the temporary residence of Evan Longoria and two of his teammates did so not only to satisfy a desire for expensive watches, a high-end TV, and some other excellent electronics, but also because that person or persons anticipates an attack by zombies.

Because otherwise who knows how that AK-47 might be employed?