Miss Tilda | Ep. 282

Imagine you have a friend who’s struggling in some way. How far would you go to help them out? How big would your kindness and generosity stretch?

We’re about to meet a schoolteacher whose kindness and generosity stretch so far, they reach the stars!

Our story is called “Miss Tilda.” It’s inspired by tales from many places, including – and this is quite a list! – the European country of Germany, the African nation of Ethiopia, the Caribbean islands of the West Indies, the Uygur people of Central and East Asia, the Sephardic Jewish community of Portugal and Spain, and the Spanish-speaking community of New Mexico in the southwestern United States.

Voices in this episode include Arienne Mandi and Patrick Renna. Grown-ups, you may know Arienne Mandi from “The L Word: Generation Q,” “The Night Agent,” and the feature film, “Tatami.” Patrick Renna burst onto the scene as Hamilton “Ham” Porter in the classic 1990s baseball film, “The Sandlot.” He has a new children’s book titled "A Little Slugger’s Guide to the Unwritten Rules of Baseball and Life.”

This episode was adapted for Circle Round by Rebecca Sheir. It was edited by Dean Russell. Original music and sound design is by Eric Shimelonis. Our artist is Sabina Hahn.

GROWN-UPS! PRINT THIS so everyone can color while listening. We’re also keeping an album so please share your picture on Facebook and Instagram, and tag it with #CircleRoundPodcast. To access all the coloring pages for past episodes click HERE. Our resident artist is Sabina Hahn and you can learn more about her HERE.

Now it’s your turn!

You can celebrate kindness by making your own Kindness Pumpkin Patch!

Using orange construction paper and a pair of scissors, cut out a whole bunch of round pumpkins; a grown-up can help you with the cutting. Then tape or glue on some stems, using green construction paper. Find a big piece of posterboard, and each time you do something kind, write your kind act on a pumpkin and attach it to the posterboard. With enough generosity, your patch will grow in no time!

Musical Spotlight: Diatonic Accordion

The diatonic accordion is a “squeezebox”: a box-shaped reed instrument with pleated bellows in the middle and buttons on either side. Accordions, including the diatonic, are popular in music around the world, especially in parts of South America, North America, Asia and Europe.

As with most accordions, you play the diatonic accordion by pushing and pulling the bellows with your arms and hands while pressing the buttons with your fingers. When you do, the reeds inside the accordion vibrate to produce notes.

But get this: with the diatonic accordion, the notes you’re playing will change depending on whether you’re pushing or pulling! This added challenge makes the diatonic accordion one of composer Eric Shimelonis’s favorite instruments to play, and he has used it to score such Circle Round episodes as “The Basilisk’s Stare,” “The Rusty Cowbell” and “The Pot of Gold.”

Story Transcript:

NARRATOR: Miss Tilda the schoolteacher was known throughout town for her cleverness and wisdom. If two neighbors were having a dispute they couldn’t settle… ?

TILDA: Don’t worry, friends! We’ll work this out!

NARRATOR: …they’d go see Miss Tilda.

If a family was facing a crisis they couldn’t solve…?

TILDA: Not to fear, folks! I’m here for you!

NARRATOR: …they’d visit Miss Tilda, too.

But Miss Tilda wasn’t just clever. She was also kind, never hesitating to help someone in need.

One fateful day, there was a fire at the edge of town. And Farmer Schmidt, the local pumpkin farmer, lost everything: his barn, his equipment, his great big patch of prize pumpkins. The moment Miss Tilda heard the news, she grabbed a great big jar and went walking through the streets, going from door to door taking up a collection.

TILDA: Greetings! Will you contribute money for Farmer Schmidt? Every bit counts!

Good day! I’m collecting funds for Farmer Schmidt. Can you please help?

Hi there! Surely you heard about Farmer Schmidt’s misfortune. Can you donate a few coins?

NARRATOR: At every house she visited, the people were more than happy to chip in.

TOWNSPERSON 1: Of course I’ll contribute, Miss Tilda!

TOWNSPERSON 2: You can bet I’ll help, Miss Tilda!

TOWNSPERSON 3: Certainly I can donate, Miss Tilda! Here you go!

NARRATOR: Her last stop was the town hall. Jar in hand, she marched to the office of the mayor: an important, high-powered official who made a very good living. Surely he could find it in his heart to help Farmer Schmidt get back on his feet!

TILDA: Good afternoon, mister mayor! I’m taking up a collection for Farmer Schmidt. As you’ve no doubt heard, that awful fire destroyed his entire pumpkin patch – his barn and equipment, too! So I was hoping you could offer some money to – (gets cut off)

MAYOR: (interrupting her) You needn’t go on! I’ve heard enough!

TILDA: (misunderstanding, happy, grateful) Oh! So you DO know about Farmer Schmidt! Wonderful. How much will you contribute, mister mayor? 

MAYOR: How much will I contribute?

NARRATOR: The mayor crossed his arms over his chest.

MAYOR: How about I contribute… NOTHING!

TILDA: Nothing? But surely you can spare SOMEthing, Mister Mayor!

MAYOR: Technically I can. But why should I give hand-outs to an able-bodied fellow who could easily pull himself up by his bootstraps and earn his own living??

TILDA: (trying to appease him) With all due respect, mister mayor… up until now, Farmer Schmidt HAS earned his own living! But after the fire, he’s got nothing. So please!

NARRATOR: Miss Tilda held out the jar.

TILDA: Will you make a donation?

NARRATOR: The mayor didn’t answer. Instead, he stroked his bushy beard and fixed Miss Tilda with a stare.

MAYOR: Tell me. You’re a teacher in town… Are you not?

TILDA: I am, sir! Everyone calls me Miss Tilda.

MAYOR: (totally not interested) Uh-huh. And tell me, Miss Hilda – (gets interrupted)

TILDA: (cutting in to correct him) Tilda, sir. Miss Tilda. 

MAYOR: Right. Miss Tilda. Are you the one who everyone says is so clever? The one all the townspeople run to with their problems?

TILDA: (modest) Well, my neighbors DO come and see me from time to time. And I do what I can to help. As for being “so clever”... I’ve never been one to toot my own horn!

MAYOR: Mm hmm. … But you see, unlike you, I HAVE been one to toot my own horn! And I happen to know that I am every bit as clever as you are – if not more so! I AM the mayor, after all! (beat) So I’ll tell you what. I will donate to your little cause for Farmer Schoff.

TILDA: SCHMIDT, sir. Farmer SCHMIDT.

MAYOR: Right. Farmer Schmidt. I will throw in a nice, hefty donation; a lump of money so great, you’ll need a dozen jars to carry it. (beat) IF… and only IF… you can answer four questions.

TILDA: Four questions…?

MAYOR: Yes! Answer all four questions correctly and I will donate a dozen jars of money!

TILDA: And let me guess. If I DON’T answer all four questions correctly… you will NOT donate a dozen jars of money?

MAYOR: That’s right! (beat) But you know who WILL? YOU! On my behalf! Using your very own funds!

NARRATOR: Miss Tilda fought the urge to panic. She didn't have enough funds saved up to fill a dozen jars. But she did have a clever mind. And now, for the sake of Farmer Schmidt, it was time to put that clever mind to use.

TILDA: Very well, mister mayor. I will answer your four questions. What is the first?

MAYOR: The first question is… What am I thinking right now?

NARRATOR: The mayor smiled. Miss Tilda paused.

Then it was SHE who smiled!

TILDA: Isn’t it obvious, sir? What you’re thinking right now is that you’re going to stump me! That I’ll answer all four of your questions incorrectly, and you won’t have to donate a cent to Farmer Schmidt. (beat) Am I correct?

NARRATOR: The mayor’s face fell.

MAYOR: Well… actually… the fact of the matter is, Miss Tessa – (gets interrupted before he can say more)

TILDA: (cutting in) TILDA! Miss TILDA.

MAYOR: Right. Miss Tilda. The fact of the matter is that I, uhhhhh… (pauses, seeking a lie)

NARRATOR: “The fact of the matter” was that the mayor DID think he was going to stump Miss Tilda. But that would mean she got the first answer correct!

MAYOR: (seeking a lie) …I, uhh, I was NOT thinking that I’m going to stump you.

TILDA: Really…? Because if you don't think you can stump me… then you DO think I’m more clever than you!

MAYOR: What?! No! Of course not. (beat) Fine. I was thinking I would stump you. And I still will! Because the game’s not over yet. Let’s allow the remaining three questions to decide which of us donates a dozen jars of money to Farmer Schultz.

TILDA: (correcting him) Schmidt, sir! Farmer SCHMIDT.

MAYOR: Right. Farmer Schmidt. (beat) So! My second question is… How deep is the ocean?

NARRATOR: Miss Tilda wrinkled her brow.

TILDA: How deep is the ocean…?

MAYOR: Ha! I see you hesitating! My second question has you at a loss, doesn’t it?

TILDA: Actually, sir… it does NOT. Because I can easily tell you how deep the ocean is. (beat) It’s exactly… one stone’s throw.

NARRATOR: The mayor smirked.

MAYOR: Pshaw! “One stone’s throw”? This is the ocean we’re talking about! You honestly believe that this vast body of water is no deeper than “one stone’s throw”???

TILDA: I do! After all, let’s say you throw a stone into the ocean. What happens?

MAYOR: Isn’t it obvious? It breaks through the surface, then it sinks to the bottom!

TILDA: Exactly. It goes all the way to the bottom, and no farther. Therefore, the ocean is exactly one stone’s throw deep.

NARRATOR: The mayor sighed and ran a hand over his bearded face.

MAYOR: (annoyed) Fine. You have now answered TWO questions correctly. But you must answer two MORE if you want me to donate to Farmer Schwab.

TILDA: SCHMIDT, sir! Farmer SCHMIDT!

MAYOR: Right. Farmer Schmidt. And trust me. These last two questions are real doozies… so LOOK OUT!

What do YOU think the mayor’s last two questions will be?

Will Miss Tilda find the answers?

We’ll find out, after a quick break.

[BREAK]

NARRATOR: I’m Rebecca Sheir. Welcome back to Circle Round. Today our story is called “Miss Tilda.”

Before the break, Miss Tilda was taking up a collection for Farmer Schmidt, who lost his barn, equipment, and prize pumpkin patch in a fire.

The pompous town mayor promised he would donate a dozen jars of money … if Miss Tilda correctly answered four questions. If she couldn’t, SHE would have to donate a dozen jars of her own money – on the mayor’s behalf!

Much to the mayor’s dismay, the clever schoolteacher aced the first two questions. Now it was time for the third.

MAYOR: The THIRD question is… How many hairs are on my chin?

NARRATOR: The mayor gestured toward his full, bushy beard, thicker than a tangle of ropes.

TILDA: You want to know how many hairs are on your chin…?

MAYOR: That's precisely what I want to know! And something tells me you’re unable to give me an answer! Have I finally stumped you, Miss Tanya?

TILDA: (correcting him) Tilda! Miss TILDA. (beat) And actually… no. You have NOT stumped me.

MAYOR: I haven’t?

TILDA: No! You haven't! I can easily answer your third question, mister mayor. Right after I do… THIS.

NARRATOR: Miss Tilda stuck out her finger and thumb, and plucked a hair from the mayor’s beard.

MAYOR: Ouch! What did you do that for?

TILDA: So I could answer your third question, sir! You wanted to know how many hairs there are on your chin. The answer is… there’s exactly ONE LESS HAIR than there was before!

NARRATOR: The mayor’s face turned redder than a beet.

MAYOR: While I’m not very fond of your ACTIONS… I cannot argue with your ANSWER. (beat) BUT… lest you forget: one more question remains.

NARRATOR: The mayor stroked his smarting chin and searched his mind for the perfect question. It had to be something impossible to know — something even he didn't know!

MAYOR: The fourth question is… How many stars are there in the sky?

TILDA: How many stars are there in the sky…? 

NARRATOR: Miss Tilda grinned.

TILDA: That’s easy, sir! There are as many stars in the sky… as there are hairs on your head!

NARRATOR: She gestured toward the mayor’s bushy mop of hair, every bit as thick and full as his beard.

MAYOR: That can’t be right! There’s no way there are as many stars in the sky as there are hairs on my head!

TILDA: But it’s true! (gasp) Although actually… (voice trails off)

MAYOR: “Actually” WHAT? Are you admitting your defeat, Miss Tina?

TILDA: (correcting him) TILDA! Miss TILDA! And NO. I am not admitting my defeat. I’m admitting my mistake! You see, I forgot that last night… there was a supernova.

MAYOR: A WHAT?

TILDA: A supernova! That’s when a star explodes and gets destroyed, so it's no longer in the sky. And as of last night, there is one less star in the sky. (beat) Sooo…

NARRATOR: She reached out and pulled a hair from the Mayor’s head.

TILDA: NOW there are as many stars in the sky as there are hairs on your head!

NARRATOR: The mayor winced and grabbed his head. Once more, he couldn't argue with the schoolteacher's answer. But he COULD put this irksome know-it-all in her place!

MAYOR: Well well well. It seems you have answered all four of my questions correctly. That being so, I shall donate a dozen jars of money to Farmer Schwartz.

TILDA: Schmidt!

MAYOR: Right. Farmer Schmidt. (beat) But I’ve just about HAD it with you and your tricky antics. Therefore, after today, I NEVER want to see your face again! EVER! Am I being clear, Miss Gilda?

TILDA: (correcting him) Tilda, sir. Miss TILDA. And yes. You are being CRYSTAL clear. You will not see my face again. Starting… now.

NARRATOR: Miss Tilda spun around and breezed out of the office and out of the town hall – after adding a dozen jars of the mayor’s money to her donations, of course.

Within months, Farmer Schmidt was back on his feet, with a whole new crop of prize pumpkins. He insisted on giving half a dozen pumpkins to Miss Tilda, as a token of his gratitude.

Miss Tilda, meanwhile, did her best to steer clear of the mayor. And the mayor put all thoughts of the clever schoolteacher out of his head.

Then, early one morning, an urgent message arrived at his office.

MAYOR: It’s from… the governor! She requires my advice on a very important matter. She’s heard me talk of how clever I am, and wishes to know my thoughts. (beat) Oh dear. The governor is a powerful woman. I must advise wisely, lest I disappoint her!

NARRATOR: The mayor spent the next few hours puzzling…

MAYOR: Hmmmm…

NARRATOR: …pondering…

MAYOR: Huhhh…

NARRATOR: …mulling and musing…

MAYOR: Hmmm… huhhh…

NARRATOR: …but he couldn’t come up with an answer for the governor. So the town secretary suggested he seek outside help… from none other than…?

SECRETARY: …Miss Tilda, sir!

NARRATOR: The mayor scratched his head and stroked his beard. Why did that name sound familiar?

MAYOR: Miss Tilda…? (beat) Oh! That’s the schoolteacher, right? Though I could have sworn her name was Miss Hilda… Or Miss Tessa? Miss Tanya? Miss Gilda…?

SECRETARY: It’s Tilda, sir. Miss Tilda. And she’s the wisest person in town!

MAYOR: I BEG YOUR PARDON????

SECRETARY: (quickly adding) …After YOU, of course! After you. (beat) As far as regular citizens go, Miss Tilda is legendary for her wisdom… and cleverness… to say nothing of her kindness!

NARRATOR: The mayor saw no other way out. He sent a message to the schoolhouse, asking Miss Tilda to report to his office at once.

An hour later, he was sitting at his desk when he heard a loud thud in the hallway.

TILDA: Pardon me!

NARRATOR: It was followed by a thump…

TILDA: Excuse me!

NARRATOR: Then a crash!

TILDA: So sorry!

NARRATOR: And when the mayor glanced up from his desk, who should he see standing in the doorway…

TILDA: Greetings, mister mayor!

NARRATOR: …but Miss Tilda… wearing a pumpkin on her head!

TILDA: Quick heads-up, sir. I may have bumped into a few of your staff members in the hallway…? And maybe broke a few things…? This pumpkin has zero visibility!

NARRATOR: The mayor leaped to his feet.

MAYOR: Why in the dickens are you wearing a pumpkin on your head??? Remove it at once, Miss Talia!

TILDA: (correcting him) TILDA, sir. It’s Miss TILDA. And I CAN’T take this pumpkin off.

MAYOR: Whyever not?

TILDA: Because if I take it off I’ll break my promise! …To YOU!

MAYOR: What on earth are you talking about? What promise?

TILDA: Many months ago, mister mayor, you told me you never wanted to see my face again. EVER. Then today, you summoned me into your office. I thought perhaps you were testing me once more. After all, how could I meet you in your office AND never show my face? Soooo… what could I do but stuff my head in one of Farmer Schmidt's pumpkins?

NARRATOR: The mayor was dumbstruck. AND awestruck. For in that moment, he had no choice but to admit how truly clever Miss Tilda was… and how truly foolish he had been.

Miss Tilda took off the pumpkin, and spent the next hour helping the mayor find an answer for the governor. And from that day forward, any time the mayor faced a problem he couldn’t solve, he didn’t fret or stress or tear his hair out. Instead, he always, always, came to Miss Tilda for help.