Sexual abuse of children is more common — and preventable — than you think

The story of Jeffrey Epstein’s trafficking and sexual abuse of girls has inspired seemingly endless commentary. There has been politicizing, finger pointing and head shaking. But amidst all of this, we fail to address the key truth at the center of this story, which is that sexual abuse is the most common serious threat facing all of our children.

Epstein chose the girls he sexually abused from the most vulnerable populations of kids by design; they were mostly children who had either run away from home or cycled through the foster care system. In other words, he intentionally selected victims who were unlikely to have caring adults consistently involved in their lives. But I fear that this aspect of the story makes it too easy for most parents to view these victims as “other,” and thus to falsely believe that their own children are safe.

While it’s true that most of us cannot imagine a scenario in which our child ends up on a private island or at a star-studded party with powerful middle-aged men of questionable intentions, that does not mean that our kids are not at risk for sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is extremely common, though it more often begins on a soccer field or at a family gathering, rather than some exotic locale.

It is difficult to measure the prevalence of child sexual abuse precisely, and any figure offered is almost certainly an underestimation because we know that many, if not most, victims of child sexual abuse never come forward to report their abuse. But according to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), at least 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 20 boys in the U.S. experience child sexual abuse. While most parents were warned of “stranger danger” when we were growing up, sexual abuse is overwhelmingly perpetrated by adults the victim knows. The scary man offering candy from a van is not who we need to fear. The greatest threat to our kids is far more likely to be the popular coach, the kindly neighbor, the favorite teacher or the cool uncle.

By treating children in emergency departments for more than 20 years, I have learned both how tragic and damaging child sexual assault is for children and families. But I’ve also learned how easy it is to prevent, if we are just willing to talk about it.

We are inundated with parenting advice. We hear about childproofing our homes, avoiding choking hazards, and how to properly install a car seat. But we get very little guidance on how to protect children from sexual abuse. The culture of shame and silence that persists around this topic contributes to this failure and puts children at risk.

The good news is that sexual abuse is largely preventable because child predators are completely predictable: They are like a football team that keeps winning with the same play. But teaching families and children to recognize the play can change that. Child predators require three things: access to a child they perceive as vulnerable, compliance from that child and secrecy. Here are four steps parents and kids can take to reduce the likelihood of abuse.

Talk to your kids about sexual abuse. These conversations are intimidating to initiate, but they don’t have to be complicated. You can begin by talking to young children about being the bosses of their own bodies and encouraging them to listen to their inner voice when it tells them that something doesn’t feel right. Kids are accustomed to receiving anticipatory guidance on all kinds of injury prevention, like wearing seat belts, only swimming with adult supervision and never playing with matches. Speaking to them about adults who may engage in unsafe behaviors can just be part of the safety conversations that you’re already having. And it can be helpful to point out that simply because you’re talking about these things, doesn’t mean that you expect them to happen. Rather, it’s your job as a parent to prepare your kids so that they know how to respond to all kinds of situations.

Be a visible presence in your children’s lives and encourage them to move through the world with confidence. Child predators seek out kids they perceive to be vulnerable and who appear to have low parental involvement. By introducing yourself to coaches, dropping in on babysitters and communicating with teachers, you signal to any adults observing that you are involved in your child’s life and paying attention. Additionally, teaching kids to make eye contact, speak clearly and carry themselves with confidence helps prevent them from becoming targets.

Learn to recognize grooming. Child predators move potential victims through a typical grooming process to ensure compliance before sexual abuse begins. Grooming most often includes gaining trust through offering bribes, and desensitizing children to touch and sexual content. Teach kids to tell you if an adult seems to be singling them out for special treatment, touching them more than necessary, talking to them about sex outside of an expected context (e.g., health class at school), or showing them sexual images.

Teach your children that adults should not ask kids to keep secrets. Secrets are different from surprises. You keep a surprise secret temporarily and for happy reasons. A surprise is baking Grandma cupcakes for her birthday. Nobody is ever supposed to find out about secrets, and if they did, they wouldn’t be happy about it. Adults should never tell kids to keep secrets and if they do, the child should tell another adult immediately. This messaging alone is often enough to keep kids safe because child predators cannot operate without secrecy.

Child sexual abuse is an epidemic that has persisted for far too long. We need to reframe it as a problem with manageable solutions. A lesson in keeping kids safer may be the only good that ever comes out of the Epstein scandal.