Surviving Thanksgiving when it's not your family

This story is part of our mental health series. Find out more here.

On the menu this Thanksgiving: turkey with a side of family drama.

Many of us are not so thankful for this particular holiday. It can be stressful. Unresolved family conflicts can come up. Not to mention, many people are still reeling from post-election stress.

But what if it’s not your family? Maybe you’re spending Thanksgiving with your partner’s family or your roommate’s.

You don’t know what you’re walking into, so when things get tense, do you look at your shoes or your fork? What do you do?

Jeff Guenther, a licensed family therapist who goes by the TikTok handle TherapyJeff, says it’s totally normal to feel out of place when spending Thanksgiving with someone else’s family.

“This isn't your family dynamic. You don't know the unspoken rules. You don't know what's triggering everybody. You don't know the long-standing feuds or how people will typically navigate the conflict,” he says. “So just acknowledging the very weird, awkward situation is step number one.”

What can you do to prepare yourself to spend Thanksgiving with someone else’s family? 

“Talk to your friend or your partner and set expectations. Ask them who's going to be there. What are their personalities like? Are there any topics I should avoid or brace myself for?

“Discuss how your partner or friend can support you in these really tricky situations and how you can support them. And with the election tension that's in the room, there might be things that are especially fraught this time of year, so you'd want to approach that with curiosity instead of defensiveness. If politics come up and decide ahead of time, if you're going to engage politely or bow out with something like, ‘I'm here for pie, not politics.’”

What should you do if your partner or friend gets into a heated discussion about the election? 

“I'd want you to ask yourself right before or in that situation, ‘How do I want to be seen by this family? Is it important to be seen in a very specific way? What is my partner or friend expecting of me?’ So take a moment to reflect on how you want to show up. Do you want to be seen as kind, approachable, steady? A social justice warrior? That's up to you. Once you decide, you can focus on staying congruent with that.

“If you want to be seen as a calming presence, you'll be less likely to engage in those heated debates and just maybe put your hand on your friend or your partner's knee or just sort of energetically let them know that you're right there next to them or ask if they want to do a little time out and go for a walk or help out in the kitchen.”

What should you do if your partner or friend’s family does something to trigger you? 

“I would suggest for you, if things get too overwhelming and you're starting to rage inside, it might be helpful to have a trusted friend that you can text or vent to during the day. And that sort of prevents you from unloading all your frustrations on your partner or friend that you went to the family dinner with who might already be feeling stressed out themselves.”

How do you show respect for different Thanksgiving traditions? 

“There's something sort of liberating and letting go and being like, 'I'm just going to go on this ride and see what happens.' You can also do what we're supposed to do, I guess, practice gratitude, right? Remind yourself that these people are important to your partner or to your friend, that this holiday is about coming together. You might be in the middle of a family that talks about how problematic Thanksgiving is and how upsetting it is, and it might be interesting to talk about why that is or where that comes from or educate other people about why it can be really upsetting.”

How do you handle tensions that might come up with your partner or friend? 

“When it's over, check in with your partner or friend about how you're feeling, share what went well and what didn't, use this as a bonding experience and an opportunity to reflect on how you both can navigate similar situations in the future.

“I'd want you both to be able to hold space, emotional space for the other person. So really get curious, ask them, ‘What's going on for you? How are you feeling? What was that experience like for you?’ Try to put your situation on hold, really understand their emotional experience, and once they feel understood and heard, maybe they can do the same for you.

“There's a lot of information and data you're gathering here, and it could help you grow and become even closer. But keep in mind that you're going back into the situation with your partner or friend where they likely will regress into their bratty teenage self and you might not want to hold that against them because they could be in the same situation but flipped for you and you wouldn't want to be judged on some of your worst behavior when you get triggered by your parents or caregivers.”

Samantha Raphelson produced and edited this interview for broadcast with Catherine Welch. Raphelson also adapted it for the web.