'Third spaces' are a key to fighting the loneliness crisis

A café. A dog park. A gym. A library. A playground. A bar.

We often take these spaces for granted. Many of us float through them daily – ordering coffee, getting our puppy some exercise, working out, grabbing a book, watching our child play or grabbing a drink with a friend.

However, these places are far more important than just their expected functions. Experts call them ‘third spaces’ or ‘third places’: not a workplace, not our home, but an additional space that plays a vital role in our personal and societal well-being.

“They’re where we go and socialize,” said Rick Kyte, an ethics professor at Viterbo University in Wisconsin. “It’s the place we make connections and where we build friendships.”

Kyte is the author of the book “Finding Your Third Place: Building Happier Communities (and Making Great Friends Along the Way)”. He sees third spaces as a key tool to combat the growing loneliness epidemic among American adults, which exploded during the pandemic and still persists.

Former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy described a “national epidemic of loneliness and isolation” when he spoke to Here & Now earlier this month. He pointed to the profound effect of loneliness on sufferers’ physical and mental health.

That epidemic stretches from the quietest corners of rural America to the busiest urban environments. Software engineer Shannon Harwick moved to Boston in the summer of 2022 after spending most of his life in Chicago. He struggled to make connections when he first arrived.

“I moved to Boston for a new job,” Harwick said. “I wanted a chance to fall in love with Boston, but it felt so cold in the beginning, being surrounded by busy, driven people who just didn't have room in their lives for someone new.”

Executive coach Samantha Tan similarly found herself feeling alone in the hustle and bustle of Boston.

“I have felt most lonely when I'm surrounded by a lot of people, but I'm not able to connect with them in a way that feels meaningful,” she said.

Boston-based stage director Guy Ben-Aharon took note of how life in the busiest cities could be isolating, especially for those struggling to connect with new people.

“It's really difficult to make friendships as adults,” Ben-Aharon said. “Society is structured in such a way that we often meet people who look like us, pray like us, love like us, and the joyful connection of meeting people who are not like us … is difficult to find.”

Those observations led Ben-Aharon to create The Jar, a third space organization to bring people together.

“It was started out of the desire to help people create meaningful friendships as adults, and also to create those friendships with intention with people who are like them and not like them,” he said.

Both Tan and Harwick discovered an outlet at The Jar. Tan found herself sharing openly about her recent divorce with her newfound friends and gaining confidence from their stories of breakups.

“Other people shared so generously about the ending of long-term relationships,” she said. “Their stories were gifts to me and stay with me.”

“Four of us formed a circle of friends that still stands today,” Harwick said as he reminisced about his first Jar event. “After two years of actively meeting people in Boston, they're still my closest friends in the city.”

While The Jar has been a success for Harwick and Tan, not everyone can go to a group activity like those The Jar puts on regularly.

But here are ways to fit new friendships at third spaces into your daily routine, says Allie Volpe, a senior reporter at Vox.

“Mine your interests,” she said. “For me — someone who works remotely — a coffee shop is a great place to post up with a laptop and talk to people.”

“The cost of entry is very low,” Volpe added. “A cup of coffee!”

Volpe and Viterbo University professor Kyte also pointed to gyms and sports activities as other great dual-purpose third spaces where your mental and physical health can both be improved in one go.

Third spaces like gyms and cafes can be loud and intimidating, which may dissuade people from trying to strike up conversation with a stranger. But, options exist for those seeking a more low-key gathering.

“You like to read but you just want to enjoy the bustle of people around you, not so much the interaction? Maybe a silent book club is for you,” said Volpe.

Regardless of what third space may work for a person looking to forge connections, Kyte says there are two key things to making an acquaintance a friend: regular exposure and connective purpose.

“The way we get to know people and get to know them eventually when they become our friends is we see them over and over again,” he said. “It’s oftentimes easier in some kind of structured setting where you’re participating in an activity where there is shared purpose.”

Thomas Danielian produced and edited this interview for broadcast with Todd Mundt. Danielian adapted it for the web.