How to start a hard conversation about the Israel-Hamas war

It has been nearly two weeks of fighting in Israel and Gaza. The conversation around who to support, especially as the death toll continues to climb, is playing out in universities, businesses, government, homes and on social media. Many of these discussions can be particularly tense, as identity and history play so deeply into the conflict.

To understand best practices for having difficult discussions, The Common spoke with Karen Ross, an associate professor with UMass Boston’s Department of Conflict Resolution, Human Security and Global Governance. Ross specializes in peace-building dialogue and has published research on Israel and Palestine.

Here are her tips on how to have difficult conversations:

Ross said it's important to consider what you want to get from a conversation and who you should talk with to achieve that goal.

"Maybe [you're talking with someone] you work with or your neighbor or someone who you're close friends with and you don't see eye-to-eye on some of these things. Then I think there's a space for a conversation there, but [it's] helpful to think about why are we going to have this conversation now? What's our goal in having it?"

Ross said if your goal is to change someone's mind on the conflict, you're unlikely to do so with current tensions. But a conversation about where one's beliefs come from to understand their perspective could be more fruitful.

Ross noted that a lot of the difficulty in conversations surrounding this conflict is how deeply a person's identity, like their religion, national ties and politics, play into perspectives. Ross said that while this can make discussions between different perspectives potentially fraught, recognizing it can also help to deepen the conversation.

"Something to think about in terms of how we can potentially engage in more productive conversations is remembering that identity groups that someone belongs to are not necessarily reflective of what they believe," she said. "I think it offers us an opportunity to remember that we're all more than just who we're born to and what religion we follow, or what our passport says.

"And that's an opportunity to learn maybe also what some of the nuances are, what people believe and why this is so difficult for everybody."

It's easier to build constructive dialogue when someone is speaking from their own emotions and experiences, said Ross.

"There is a lot of anger, but that anger is also connected to other things, maybe sadness, guilt, helplessness; a lot of other emotions that people are feeling. And speaking from the experience of those emotions rather than kind of general categories is one way [to have better conversations]," said Ross.

She also said it's helpful to use "I-statements" to you discuss how you feel directly.

"If someone's saying to me, 'I feel really upset about this thing that happened at work' that maybe I had something to do with, I can hear that they're upset. But if they say, you know, 'I'm upset at you because you did this thing,' then now I feel defensive."

Coming to a conversation from a place of personal experience can help relax some of the tension.

Ross said she teaches her students to summarize back to someone what they heard from them. It helps show that you are listening and makes people feel understood.

"We all have a tendency to kind of half-listen and start planning our response," said Ross. "Your focus as someone who's listening is on really trying to understand what someone else is saying rather than trying to figure out how you're going to respond to it."

Listening to someone without planning your response also allows you to more fully understand where they're coming from and why they feel strongly about an issue, Ross said.

When people are directly affected by conflict, sometimes dialogue isn't what is needed. Ross said to support those impacted, it's important to hold space for emotions.

"Holding space looks different depending on who you're holding space for. Offering to go for a walk with someone so that they can maybe talk about something that's not at all related to what's happening in Israel and Palestine right now," said Ross. "It might be reaching out and saying, 'Hey, I'm thinking about you,' and nothing more."

Ross also acknowledged that turning to people with similar experiences could be more beneficial for those who are impacted or have strong emotions.

"You need to be having those conversations with people who can hear you right now and help you feel like you've been understood, or people who perhaps you have a strong relationship with," said Ross."That probably feels a lot more comfortable than someone having a conversation with someone they've never talked to about these issues before."